There will be plenty of updates coming your way soon. Here are a few of the topics I will be hitting on....
See you soon! XOXOXOX
WOW! It has been one heck of a crazy ride around here.
Also while in Florida I may have had a mini life crisis. See for yourself...
I actually got all together 3 tattoos. The one above is on the inside of my right wrist. I got a funky tree with no leaves and the roots come down and say family on the inside of my left wrist. Also up behind my right ear is 3 hot pink and black stars. Yeah I would say I have an adrenaline rush need. Maybe.
When I returned home I decided I needed something shiny and new. So...
I went car shopping. I have never in my life owned a brand new car. This is MY car in MY driveway. And I own it, no payments, no nothing. Thanks to my Daddy and him making sure that I would be taken care of I introduce you to my beautiful new 2010 Ford Edge Limited. I love it.
I have also taken on a new look. It's called 31 pound lighter Kori. Yep it's not the best diet ever. Stress! But I have lost weight simply because I'm not really hungry so I only eat once a day. But at least I look good. Don't ya think?
Oh and one more crucial thing you should know. By Thanksgiving I will no longer be blogging from Alabama I will once again be a Floridian. Being down in Florida for 2 weeks made me realize just how much I miss it. I miss my family and my life long friends. So I came home and talked to the little men in my life and they were ecstatic over the idea. I honestly couldn't believe they wanted to move. I thought they would have said no and if they would have I wouldn't have pressed the issue. But I'm excited that they are excited. I am nervous because on Friday I will quit the most wonderful job I have ever had. That is what scares me the most. But I think our little family of 3 could really use a change. Things are just so different here without Richard.
So to Florida we shall go and we shall see what happens and I am sure it will be wonderful.
Sad, mad, happy, angry, jealous, envious, hurt, broken.
These are the emotions I feel on a daily basis. Sometimes they all run together. Sometimes they don't.
Several people want to know how I am doing. I have never been one to lie or to sugar coat things.
I am not well. I get up in the mornings get the boys off to School then I go back to bed sometimes I sleep sometimes I don't.
I eat once a day only because I know I need to eat something. I have lost almost 25 pounds. All of my pants are sagging and loose.
I pray every night for just a glimpse of Richard in my dreams. The closest I have came is being woken up and being able to smell him in my room. Weird, yes I know.
His shirt that he wore when we went to court in July still hangs on the back of my closet door. His pocket change, watch, belt and wallet still lie on the nightstand where he left them. His shoes are still in the same place, his razor and shampoo are still in the bathroom. I can't move them.
How can this really be my life? I ask myself that a lot. How can I be a 29 year old widow mother of two boys. This is not the way it was supposed to be.
I talk to God regularly just like before. But my prayers have changed. I have changed. My faith has not. God is still in control and I know that one day I will know the answers to all of my questions. This is God's will for my life. Am I ok with that? Right now... No not really. But regardless I understand.
I don't leave the house much. I have very little tolerance for people in general. I tried going to Church the week before last. I know I need to be there. But I barely heard the sermon. All I seen were the husbands and wives sitting in the pews before me. The husbands with their arms around their wives shoulders or them holding hands. I can't take it. Why can't that be us?
Going to the grocery store is a huge task. I get sidetracked. All I see is the dads holding their children's hands and walking with their wives. The other day I tried and I had several things in my buggy. I left it all. I left.
I know that soon I will have to return to work. That is extremely overwhelming for me to even think about right now. People and the looks and the "I'm so sorry for your loss." I don't think I'm ready for that. Nobody is more sorry for my loss than I. I never know what to say.
If it weren't for our two beautiful boys I don't know if I would get out of the bed in the mornings. Thank God for our boys. I think they are more of a rock to me than I am to them right now.
The boys, oh my sweet baby boys. They are doing alright. They have their moments. We all do. But all in all they are doing well. Much more so than myself. Kids are resilient. I see it everyday. They are what brings a smile to my face on the days when I can barely hold back the tears.
Lastly I am happy. I am happy to know that my wonderful, amazing, beautiful husband is in the presence of our mighty King. I am happy that he is no longer having to fight for every breath. I am happy to know that he chose me to spend the last 8 plus years of his life with. I am happy to have had the love of a lifetime if only for a limited while. I am happy that even though my heart may be breaking it is also full of joy and excitement to know that one day I will be there too and I will be with him again. And that I will also be with Him the one that carries me through these valleys but also promises the top of the mountain just over the horizon.
Until we meet again my love, may the Lord hold you in the palms of his hands.
The one thing in life that I want more than anything I can't have.
To hear him say I love you, to feel the touch of his hand, the warmth of his kisses... that's the one thing I want.
I know where he is and in some ways I suppose that makes it a little easier. I don't wish him back to this place.
However it doesn't make my heart any less broken.
I try to sleep yet when I close my eyes the last 8 years 9 months and 20 days of our lives replay in my head over and over. I see his smile, I hear his laugh, I can even smell him.
Calob cries and screams for his Daddy. Jacob cries when he thinks no one is looking.
The last 13 days of my life have been some of the hardest. If it weren't for the boys and some sort of routine I don't think I would get out of the bed most days. Thank God for my precious boys.
I haven't yet gone back to work. I am not ready for that part of this. I plan on going back October 5th. We'll see.
We tried to go camping this Labor Day weekend. It was a disaster from the start. Loads of tears shed by all then it rained. So we came home and Calob has sworn off ever going camping again. It's not the same. It's hard.
It's all so very hard.
I miss my Hubby terribly. I have to remind myself that this is all really happening. I feel like he is just in the kitchen or outside. I want him to be.
Richard graced the gates of Heaven at 12:26 AM today.
Hospice is here round the clock now. Said it's just a matter of time, a few days maybe a week at most. We covet your prayers for our family at this time.
Richard was brought home last Thursday by Ambulance. He barely eats or drinks anything. His arms, legs and face continue to get thinner as his belly continues to grow more and more.
He doesn't rest much, he tries several times a day to climb out of the bed. I don't know how much of that is brought on by the medication or just his stubbornness. Yesterday he fell in the bathroom. Scared me to death. Calob was completely freaked out. So between trying to get Richard up all the while trying to calm Calob, I was completely a mess.
Who am I kidding I am still a mess. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face I'm not going to lie. And the reality is it is just going to get harder. I'm scared of the days ahead. The Doctor told us last Wednesday that it is just a matter of weeks, yesterday the Hospice nurse said the same thing. I don't think I have even begun to process that. How can I possibly?
Please continue to pray for us.
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Has arranged this
And we are truly humbled and AMAZED!
Don't miss it. Check it out HERE.
When we were told last year in April that the cancer was back and that it was stage 4. I would say that was a very bad day for our family. Well, today was probably the worse day to date so far.
Yesterday the Oncologist was called due to the pain that Richard has been having in his groin. He's not in the Hospital for cancer he is here because of his Cystic Fibrosis. So of course there is a process for everything and when everyone can be called in. Well yesterday was that day where a LOT of people were called in.
Dr. P. the Oncologist ordered a CT scan with Contrast to be done today. He also ordered for Richard to be placed on a morphin pump. Well last night Richard had a really bad episode where he felt like he was being smothered. He felt like he couldn't breathe. So Doctors came rushing and took him to get an Xray of his chest as well as an ultrasound of his abdomen to see how much fluid he might be retaining.
Well the Xray showed that he had a plural fusion, it's where fluid is trapped between the lung and the chest wall and it pushes on the lung. In Richard's case it was the right lung and it had a liter and a half of fluid pressing on it. No wonder he couldn't breathe.
This morning they took Richard to do an ultrasound of his chest. There was talk of chest tubes, drainage and possible surgery depending on what they found. Turns out that the fluid was free flowing in one pocket. So they came in and stuck a ginormous needle in Richard's back on the right side, then went in between the ribs until they hit the pocket of fluid. They started pulling it off into a bag with a very large syringe. The fluid was very bloody due to the cancer. They removed 1300 CC's of fluid. That is a liter and not quite a half. Richard was becoming uncomfortable so they had to stop. But since they got the majority of it they felt like that would be fine. Richard is breathing better now.
There were several concerns about doing the CT scan. Richard isn't able to eat or drink very much at one time. But he had to get down at least 24 ounces of contrast fluid in order to do the test. He managed to get-r-done. But because of some issues with how well is Kidneys are functioning they were not able to give the other form of contrast through the IV.
But the radiologist was able to see what was going on regardless. The news is very disheartening. I felt like I was gonna pass out when the Doctor was telling us. So now I come here to share our almost unbearable news with you.
Richard has several tumors on and in the liver. Also all the lymph nodes going down into his chest and the ones surrounding his Aorta are all enlarged and are all cancerous as well. The organs being involved has just happened since we had the last scan in April. The organs being this involved is not good.
I have never questioned God more than I have today.
Come Monday morning I will be going to the Doctor and turning in my Medical Leave of Absence for the next 12 weeks. I don't know if we have 12 weeks left considering how advanced everything is but whatever time it is I don't wanna miss it. I am nervous about being off work. There are so many uncertainties. I don't know how things will get done. I do know that my place is at home with my Husband and our children. I can't worry about everything all the time. It will work out, God will work it out and it will be alright.
We are still trying to comprehend all the things that have taken place today. We are mentally, emotionally and physically drained.
We just ask that you please remember us in your prayers.
We are leaning solely on the Lord to uphold us and for the everlasting peace that only he can give.
Well things have been crazy however no more than usual.
If you watched the last video I posted you noticed that Richard said he was feeling "a tad" better. Well that tad went down hill pretty quickly. Richard has been battling a lung infection for a couple of weeks now. If anything everyone knows how much Richard dislikes being in the Hospital since he spent so much time there last year and the year before.
Combined with the cancer, his Cystic Fibrosis has really been flaring up. Although it could be lung cancer. The Doctors have told us numerous times that the type of Cancer Richard has could easily spread to the lungs but with all the scarring from years of infection due to his CF there is really no way they would be able to tell.
So we just keep treating it as always with very strong IV antibiotics.
Richard went in the Hospital Thursday after going to an appointment with his Pulmonary doctors. They determined that he has quite a bit of fluid and infection in his lungs. His O2 stats are in the low 80's and with the oxygen on the highest they have been is 94. His sputum which is the nasty stuff that he coughs up is very dark green/brown and paste like. He has alot of wheezing, has been running a low temp and just feels bad in general.
So he is in getting very strong IV meds one of which he is slightly allergic to. So since they are giving him such a strong dose they are counteracting the allergic reaction with Benadryl in the IV line. Benadryl combined with all the pain meds is making my hubby loopy. He is sleeping alot, falling asleep in mid conversation and sometimes he says things that even I don't understand. He laughs alot in his sleep.Guess something is bringing him joy. I'm glad.
So we have 12 more days of this Hospital stay and then the Hubby will be home. YAY!
Jacob comes home from his mission trip today. I am so excited to hear all the stories I'm sure he has to tell. I'll be sure to share them here with you guys. Maybe I can get Jacob to do a little vlog post. We'll see.
Now since I have caught you all up to date there is one more thing I want to share with you all.
Shannon over at Welcome to the NuTHoUse has orchestrated an amazing Auction to help our family. The Auction will be held on her blog August 11th. Be sure to check out her blog for all the details. 100% of the proceeds will go directly into the McCulley Family Trustfund. I am in awe of the love and support of all of the Blog Community. Some amazing folks have donated a ton of awesome items to be auctioned off on our behalf. Be sure to visit Shannon's blog for all the major details go to Welcome to the NuTHoUse.
You will NOT want to miss this. So mark your calendars for August 11th.
Also she's still taking donations, so if you'd like to donate an item please let her know! Or if you know of an Etsy shop owner or other vendor who might be willing to donate, let her know and she will be glad to contact them about the auction.
Shannon you are amazing and our family is truly touched by you and everyone who has had a hand in putting this together. We can't say Thank you enough.
Obviously I am loving the Vlog. It's alot easier. I'm sure I'll get back to typing post soon.
Also please don't say anything about my mouth moving while Richard is talking. We have a very bad happen of finishing each others sentences and will I was sitting on Go to be there to jump in at any time.
I apologize for the "um's" and the smacking. I never realized I did that.
This was recorded last night in case you were wondering.
Today I got up early to find that my sweet boy Jacob was already up. He wasn't quite sure if he had gotten any sleep or not.Because he was SUPER EXCITED.He ate breakfast, took a shower and proceeded to get ready.
**** UPDATE ****
Well... the adoption is still pending. Richard gave his testimony today. The judge said that after seeing 6,000 cases like ours, that Richard's testimony was truly touching. We now have to run a 4 week legal publication in the paper that cost $1,100 where my Ex lives then we go back to court on September 16th. On that day it should be final so for now we just wait. Thank you all for your prayers today and everyday.
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May just be one of the biggest days in the McCulley Household to date.
We ask you to please remember our family in your prayers.
Specifically around 2:00.
I will update as soon as I can.
Also thank you for the Birthday wishes for the Hubby.
His day was wonderful. Lots of family and friends and too much food.
Good times were had by all.
See...
Richard has a serious addiction to Cheese Curls and Cheese Puffs and my MIL got him some for his Birthday. Oh yes he got other stuff but the Cheese Curls brought the most excitement for sure.
Richard had a Doctors appointment today with the Oncologist. No news to tell except that he has chronic blood loss somewhere in the GI tract, which is not that abnormal considering the type of cancer he has.
He's very anemic due to this. So the Doctor has put him on 325 milligrams of Iron per day.
Towards the end of our appointment Dr. P handed me Richard's papers that we have to use to check out. On the paper there was no appointment follow up time usually it will say 4 weeks or 6. But at the top today it just said "Will Call."
Dr. P doesn't need to see us anymore since Richard is now on Hospice and he is his attending. But if something new comes up and we want to see him we can call and be worked in.
We knew this was coming. I was fine until we were leaving and I just fell apart. I just feel hopeless and overwhelmed most of all I feel scared, scared of it being so official.
No matter where Richard is Gracie is right there beside him.
The unbreakable bond between a man and his dog.
This post is going to be one that you may not want to read. But I started this blog to be able to write what I want to... what I need to.
Just read at your own discretion.
I want to cry. I have cried.
I don't want to be told repeatedly how strong I am. I am NOT that person!
I want to scream and I want someone to hear it, not just me in my head.
I want to hit something and I want to hit it hard.
I don't want to see little old people holding hands that have been married since they were kids.
I don't want to look at the Hospital bed that is sitting in my dining room and only have the thought that my Husband is going to die there.
I want this to be someonelse's life and not mine.
I don't want my boys to hurt.
I want Jesus to come back now so we can all leave this behind together.
I want to be able to be apart of other peoples happiness rather than be jealous of their happiness.
I don't want to have the need to almost bite my tongue off to keep from saying what I think when other people complian about trivial things that are really no big deal.
I don't want sympathy.
I do want support.
I don't want to lose him.
I want him to be comfortable and I know he will be when he is with Him and not me.
I don't want to know that I have to be ok with that.
I want to know why.
Yet,I don't ask cause I already know.
I don't want to stress about the future without him.
I want to know that I can do this.
I want to know that we will make it without him.
I don't want to be a widowed single mother at 30.
I want to know that my broken heart one day will heal.
I want my wants.
I don't my don'ts.
I want to be me, one everybody loves and finds sweet and funny cause that is what I once was.
I don't think I can be me without him.
This past weekend was probably one of the worst weekends of my wonderful Husband's life with cancer.
He was restless, uncomfortable and hurting. Talked about going to the Hospital but continually talked himself out of it since there really isn't anything else they can do.
He called the Doctor this morning to see about upping his pain medications. After a 15 minute phone call the Doctor agreed that pain meds could be increased but he also wants to turn Richard over to Hospice as soon as possible since his level of discomfort is becoming more unbearable. The Doctor feels that Hospice can offer him better pain management on a daily basis, as well as go ahead and get him a Hospital bed ordered to hopefully offer more comfort by positioning.
I called Odyssey Hospice. We are interviewing them tomorrow night at 6. We will all be there Richard, myself, the boys, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law.
I understand it.
I knew it was coming no matter how much we kept putting it off.
We all know the end of this journey is closely approaching.
But regardless, I. Am.
NOT.
READY!
So a few post back I asked you guys to interview my Hubby and boy you guys delivered with some pretty interesting questions. So let's get started...
Lisa asked:
Do you think only in the present now, not the future?
With the way I'm feeling and the pain increasing it's pretty much on a day to day basis. Hard to plan on the future when you know you have less than a year to live.
Has a terminal illness changed the way you view today?
Yes, I don't take today for granted, I am constantly thanking God for every day he gives me. Life is so much more precious and means more to me now.
Phenny's Mom asked:
What advice would you give to a parent raising a child with Cystic Fibrosis?
Allow them to be as close to normal as can be. Don't put them in a glass bubble thinking that you are protecting them from everything cause in the long run you'll actually be hurting them. Only somewone with CF knows what their limitations are.
Would you redo anything in your life?
Probably if I could go back and redo anything in my life it would definitely be School. I should have really taken it more seriously than I did.
What is the biggest lesson you have learned through out all of these obstacles you've been given?
Just to be more appreciative of people and time.
What advice would you give to someone that has Cystic Fibrosis?
Make sure that you eat well, stay as physically active as your able and to make sure you take all of your medications.
Also any tips, tricks, or things you have learned that have helped you on days when you have struggled with your CF?
I've never thought of me having CF on a day to day. It's not my main focus in life and I have never let it be in the forefront of my mind. It's only when I begin to become sick that CF would be on my mind and I counted on God, family and friends to help me get through those times when I am sick.
Aubrey asked:
What do you love most about Kori?
Her bubbly personality, the way she laughs, her honesty and the way that she cares for people. And she's a pretty awesome cook too.
Does she have any bad habits that you can't stand?
When she used to smoke. Couldn't stand it.
Tracy asked:
When something happens to you would you want Kori to go on with her life and remarry IF someone came along?
I just want her to be happy and whatever it takes for her to be happy, I want the best for her. She's still young and if the good Lord sends someone her way then so be it.
Heather asked:
How are you dealing with knowing you are leaving your children behind?
To be honest I hate it. They're just starting to get to that age where they really need their Dad around to teach them all the guy things. I hate that I'm going to miss it all.
I know you had the necklaces made for the boys... have you done anything else for them, to help them deal with their loss?
No not yet, but I do have things that I am going to do before I go. Videos for milestone moments in their lives and a blog friend of Kori's sent these amazing blankets with our pictures on them and she left some blank squares where I can write stories and Bible verses so the boys will always have them.
What is the one memory that you treasure most?
Meeting my Dad after 45 years of not knowing him.
Michelle asked:
What is your favorite memory of Kori?
When I first seen her and we were first introduced, I knew we would be together.
Jacob?
When I went to Florida to move them to Alabama and he was bringing all the toys that he could carry out of the house and putting it on the U-haul truck. He was so excited.
Calob?
He used to carry around his Bankie (blanket) everywhere we went. Even when we would have to wash it he would sit in the laundry room and wait. He was a modern day Linus.Some days I think this is NOT my life, this is NOT really happening to our family, Richard is NOT dying.
Then... Reality hits.
This really is my life. My Husband, the Daddy to our two beautiful boys, he's leaving us, not by choice but because God needs him more.
Then... I become overwhelmed.
With sadness, with the thought that Oh my gosh I will quite possibly be a widow by the time I turn 30, a single Mom with 2 boys, not by choice but because God needed him more.
Then... I worry.
Our boys, Richard won't be here for all the big milestones in their lives. High school, drivers licenses, girls, dating, graduation, college, marriage, beautiful babies. So many times they will need their Daddy and he won't be there. Will I be good enough in those times? How will this effect them as they get older? Will they always remember how wonderful Richard is? I don't want them to ever forget.
Then... I get mad.
Anger takes over as I think about all these things. It's just not fair.
Then... I understand.
Besides working and tending to the boys this is where I spend my early mornings, my lunch breaks, time in the evenings before heading home and my weekends.
No matter how crappy the hubby is feeling he always melts my heart with a smile no matter how big or small. (plaid pants make me think of someone)
Things have been a little hectic.
Last Thursday the Hospital where I work suffered a lot of cutbacks and I lost 8 hours of time per pay period. I'm not complaining cause I know it could have been a lot worse and hey at least now every other weekend is a 3 day one. However that is about 200 dollars less a month. God will work it out I know.
Richard went in the Hospital on Friday for a 14 day CF tune-up it's been a long time coming. In the past 6 weeks Hubby has lost a total of 21 pounds because he can't eat much anymore.
Our air conditioner at home went out on Sunday so it's been as high as 85 in my house.
I scheduled appointments with Hospice groups then called and cancelled, I know it has to be done. It will get done before July 9th.
Calob got 3 stitches a week ago, he was pulling weeds and one of the wood timbers just laid his knuckle open. I have pictures but I'll spare you.
Jacob got home from Student Life Camp with the Youth last Wednesday he had a great time. On Sunday he stood before our Church Family and told them that we all need to live more Christ like so that when others look at us they see Him within us. I have never been prouder. And of course I cried.
One last thing Cystic Fibrosis and Cancer suck! That's all I have to say about that.
Gotta go 15 minutes and lunch with the hubby.
If any of you would like to post about this on your blog, please feel free.
At the Doctor's office today, we did talk quite a bit about Hospice Care. He wants us to interview Hospice Organizations to see which one we like the best and which one will offer the most support for our family considering that we do have children in the house.
When we go back on July 9th he wants us to have a decision as to which one we would like to go with. Depending on how Richard seems to be doing when we go back he will then make the call about starting Hospice. We did find out that the Doc will be able to still follow Richard and see him if need be while he is on hospice. This news made us both feel a little better.
We did keep our appointment with the Funeral Home today. It wasn't as bad as I psyched myself up to expect it to be. Neither one of us shed a tear. It was very cut and dry. And since we know the Funeral Director it was pretty painless and it took all of about 15 minutes to shop for a casket, vault and memorial package.
Now that we have gotten the update out of the way. I have something else for you guys.
Several of you have asked about Richard maybe doing a guest post on my blog. Well I talked to him about it and he thought an interview would be better for him.
So he wants you guys to ask the questions. Ask him anything and he says he will answer it. (maybe I should sneak my own personal questions in there. lol)
So shoot, ask away.
Right now as you read this I am leaving a meeting at work.
Walking through the second floor crosswalk to meet my husband and Mother-in-law at the Oncology Doctor's office.
I just ask that you pray for us as we listen to what the Doctor tells us, pray for strength as we accept whatever he feels our next step is.
We are leaning on God and His plans no matter what we hear today He is the one in control.
I am a planner and a do-er.
I am quite possible the most OCD person I know when it comes to planning things.
I plan weekends way in advance and now alot of those plans go undone.
I do things to keep my mind busy, here lately I notice that it's not that easy anymore.
Last week I talked with my good friend J. She is the coordinator for Palliative Care here at the Hospital.
I needed answers. Answers that I feel like we're not getting from the Doctor. I need a plan. I have to know that we have a plan.
I feel like when we go to see the Doc on the 28th, that since we're not having a scan or labs done that he is probably going to go ahead and release Richard over to Hospice Care to help with his pain management. To better prepare us for what is ultimately just looming around the corner.
I know that Hospice doesn't mean the end. It's just to prepare and have a plan in place as Richard's illness progresses.
I am starting to notice some physical changes that are taking place with him. His arms and legs are becoming much thinner as well as his face has slimmed down some. But his belly is so distended, it sticks way out there.
The other night after Jacob's art show when we got home the power was out in the neighborhood. The boys were off playing outside enjoying whatever daylight was left and the Hubby was laying on the Couch and I was on the love seat.
It was Dark in the house except for a little light still coming through the screen door. It was quite. But then out of nowhere I heard these words.
"I know I don't have 6 months left"
I couldn't speak, I couldn't get past the lump in my throat. Ya know the Doctor has been telling us that he doesn't expect Richard to be here at Christmas and to enjoy our time as a family.
I cried as I felt the confirmation of what was truly happening to us overwhelm me.
Then my husband began to speak some more.
"Baby don't cry, this life here is just temporary. I can't even begin to fathom what it's going to be like in Heaven and to see our maker's face. How wonderful it will be."
All I could say was this.
"I love you so very, very much. I can't imagine it either. I will miss you with every ounce of my being but, I wouldn't wish you back here to this place to have to continue to go through all this. I wouldn't cause yes, this place is only temporary.
Then I had to remind myself to Breathe.
I am loving the blonde and red highlights as well as the little bit of side swept bangs.
I am so ROCKING this new do!
In 1989, 20 years ago, I was away spending the night with my bestest friend Tabitha. We were both 9 at the time. We were staying at a condo on St. Augustine Beach.
I remember playing in the salty water and it still being cool since it was only April, the greasy feeling of the sunscreen, feeling the heat radiate off my sun burnt face despite the sunscreen.
I remember the weather was beautiful, the sky the bluest of blue. I remember staying up late watching none other than my favorite movie of all time the Wizard of Oz. I remember laughing and giggling under the covers when we were told to go to sleep.
I remember being shaken awake by Tabitha's Mother telling me I had to go home, she had to take me home now. I remember it still being dark out and the clock reading 4:00 Am.
I remember the talk that we had during the drive back to Starke, Florida where we lived at Kingsley Beach. The talk about God and how sometimes he does things we don't quite understand. I remember the reassurance in her voice as she told me that I was going to be a beautiful woman someday despite everything that was fixing to happen.
I remember pulling through the gate at Kingsley Beach and everyone standing there with long faces. I remember Nancy my Mom's best friend and Tabitha's Grandmother coming to get in the car with me. I remember the silence before she could find the words to say.
I remember this... "Kori there was an accident last night and your Mom, she didn't make it. She's gone honey."
I remember the salty tears that felt hotter than ever on my sun burnt face.
I remember waiting in the diner for my Dad. I remember when my Dad walked around the corner and his eyes met mine and we both began to cry.
I remember my Dad swooping me up into his arms and hugging me and weeping into my hair.
I remember walking to the end of the pier out into the middle of the ocean with my Dad. I remember sitting there on the end with our feet dangling in the cool water, holding hands and not speaking a word.
I remember all the days that followed that one terrible day.
I remember starting a new School and moving in with my Dad permanently, not just for a visit.
I remember Mother's Day every year beginning in 1989. I was in the 3rd grade and all the other kids were making pretty pink cards for their Mother's.
Mine was made from light blue construction paper and it read...
I want to do a Bedroom redo. Now I don't have money for new furniture and things like that. But I can afford a few cans of paint.
I have a headboard, dresser with mirror, nightstand and a armoire.
They all have mirrored glass inserts. It's a little 90-ish and I want to modernize it. I'm thinking of painting it robins egg blue then black over the blue, distressing it a little so the blue underneath will show through and adding some new more modern knobs and pulls. But the glass inserts are stumping me. It has like this decorative gold design around the edges. Even my big mirror on the dresser has this design. The inserts on the armoirs and the dresser I thought I might could decoupage with some kind of decorative paper that would match. But what can I do about this mirror? Can I even decoupage over glass? Can I tape off the gold part and paint over it like paint a border around the mirror. Ooo a border. I could maybe get some strips of molding or wood cut to size and put a frame around the mirror. Hmmm...See I am not that crafty and I need lots of creative ideas.
HELP?????
If I need to I will take some pictures for you guys to really understand what I'm talking about.
We have lived in our house for almost 8 years and every wall is still white except for Jacob's room.
My plans for the summer months are to add some color to the walls and do some rearranging and redecorating. Ya'll get ready cause I'm gonna be asking for lots of advice.
Well yesterday was the day that a certified letter was sent to my Ex. Hopefully he will sign the consent relinquishing his parental rights. He has 30 days to respond. I am nervous, he has never made anything easy for me. I just pray that for once in his life he will do the right thing and let Richard the only Dad they know, adopt them.
Richard is about the same. There hasn't been any new increases with his pain medicines in the last week and a half. He still hurts and is uncomfortable but it seems to be a little bit more tolerable than before. I just pray that he doesn't become immune to the new increase for a while.
The boys went away over the weekend. So I surprised my hubby with a night away at a nice Hotel in the city with some extra money I had saved for spur of the moment memory making. He was definitely surprised and we really enjoyed our night away from the house alone.
Oh and I went to the Doctor Friday and you all be glad to know that I am now on a sleeping medicine. So no more 2 hour a night sleeps for me. The last couple of nights I have slept better than I have in probably 8 months or more. YAY FOR SLEEP!
Hope all is well with everyone. I know I haven't been around much lately things have been a little crazy.
Things have been slightly hectic around here the past week or so.
Richard's pain continues to worsen, he is now on even more pain meds. He is sleeping more throughout the day and taking it easy for the most part.
I got really great news last week. Someone that has worked for the Hospital for well over 20 years wanted to donate 480 hours of their sick time for me to use when I take my FMLA to stay home with Richard when the time comes. I was elated.
It didn't last long as the next day I spoke with the Leave Coordinator and I can't use the donated sick time for FMLA to take care of Richard, it can only be used if I was the one that was sick and needing off. So then I was really bummed and feeling pretty low. I mean possibly 12 weeks, 3 months without pay. (insert scream)
I am more than stressed out about how we are going to pay all the bills when I have to take off. Plus since I won't be getting a check from the Hospital I will have to pay them my part of our insurance. Which is $500 bucks a month. And of course I have to keep my insurance for Richard to be able to get the care he needs. So that plus all our regular monthly bills... well it's more than I want to think about right now.
Then there's funeral cost. This may sound morbid to some but so far this week I have spoken to 3 different Funeral Directors trying to "bargain shop" if you will. We have an appointment the end of May to go make pre-arrangements so that at least some of it will be paid for. Richard doesn't have any life insurance because he has had a chronic illness all his life and they don't give life insurance to people with a chronic illness. If you ask me I think they are the ones that need it the most. Did you know that your basic funeral cost no less than 7 grand. I suggest that if you don't have any life insurance you check into it as soon as possible cause none of us are guaranteed our next breath. It ain't cheap to die.
I do have good news for all of those that have been asking how they can help. We are in the process of establishing a Trust Fund for our family. You can donate any amount of monies to the fund and it will be used when the time comes for me to take off to be with Richard, it will help support our family during that time as well as help with funeral cost. More about this later.
Speaking of the Trust Fund the lawyer we found is doing all the paper work for that pro-bono as well as the adoption of the boys. I still can't believe it. Please pray that my ex will do the right thing in signing over his rights. When this takes place the boys will have entirely new names that we all picked out together. When it's official I will share them with you.
This past week or so I felt overwhelmed, like everything I was trying to do I just kept hitting walls. I am still pretty stressed out about everything. I mean casket shopping is not like car shopping. It is not something I ever thought I would have to do at this stage in my life. I don't know how we are going to be able to afford me taking off to take care of Richard as his cancer progresses. I don't know where 7,000 dollars is going to come from to pay for funeral expenses. I do know that I have to do it now cause when the inevitable happens and my hubby goes on his permanent glorious vacation (this is what we call it for the boys sakes. it helps), I will not be able to then. I am scared of how quickly things seem to be happening. I know it is only a matter of time before he will no longer be able to drive or do anything for himself. This scares me beyond measure.
All I know is that God is God and nothing is to big for Him. I know that He will provide us with everything we need. It's just a little scary sometimes, thank God for the peace He continues to give.
I know it will all be Ok it's just a little hard to see through the tears right now.
Every morning I get up drink my cups of coffee and proceed with my regular morning ritual.
Every morning I pull my hair back, wash my face with Noxzema, apply moisturizer and then begin applying my make-up.
Every morning in the same house, same bathroom, while looking in the same mirror as the day before.
This morning I caught a glimpse of someone I barely recognized looking back at me.
The eyes were tired, weak, weary and sad. The longer I looked the deeper they became.
This is not me. I am not tired, weak, weary or sad.
Yes it is you, I heard the voice inside my head saying.
WHAT!?
I looked away. I could no longer look into those eyes.
I cried. My own eyes made me cry.
I don't want to be the person staring at me in the mirror.
I know that my patience has been wearing thin, I have not been the spunky, outgoing person everyone knows. My emails have been short and lacking as well as my Instant Message conversations. I'm sorry if it was you on the other end.
I realized I am not as strong as I thought. I can not continue on doing this alone. I need to pass my burdens on...
to God.
He's there I know that. Jesus, me and Him are tight. We talk all the time. Ok, so I talk He listens. It works for us that way cause I talk and talk and talk and he can't get a word in edge wise. But when he does, I certainly listen.
I know that I have to continue to turn this over to Him. For some reason I can't. My heart is heavy. Let Go, Let God as Lula once told me.
I have to, I had to... I did.
For my burdens are not mine to have to bear alone.
I've known it for some time but I just realized it while looking in the mirror this morning.
Thank you God for letting me see the me that I don't want to be. Thank you God for taking the burdens without question. Thank you for guiding me along this road. Thank you for letting me see... me.
Just...
thank you for the Mirror.
