My Desk!

So for the past month they have been renovating my space here at the Hospital. I have been out in the middle of the lobby in an old metal desk. With my computer and phone on a little push cart so when I leave in the morning I can lock it up so no one will run off with it.

But today they have hung the lights over my desk installed the granite and this afternoon they are painting the walls. And then all they will have to do is put the molding around the bottom and the chair rail around the lobby. So maybe by the end of the week I will be back in my space.
I do like it. It's much more up to date than what I had before. But it kind of reminds of a bar. Like "can I get an apple martini please" bar. Maybe it's just me. None the less I'm glad I get a new space. And I can't wait till all the construction is complete. I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Uh Oh!

So I have been playing around with my blog this morning because I wanted the new Blog Roll thingy. I know I probably could have told Krystyn about it. Since she is redesigning my whole Blog. But I thought I would give it a shot. It has taken me over and hour to do this. And the first time I forgot to save. I have some new Bloggy friends that I have made and I wanted to be able to keep in touch with them. Since I forgot to save the first time before I erased my original link list. I need you guys to leave me some comments so I know if I included you or not. I know I forgot April but I can't remember her web address. So April comment please. And if I forgot any of you other folks please leave me a comment. And I'm sorry Krystyn and if you want to kill me by now I completely understand. I will not mess with it ever again. I so learned my lesson! I promise.

One year ago today

I can recall everything about June 28th, 2007. Every little detail. Why you ask? Because that is the day our lives took a dramatic turn.

Richard was in the hospital for a Cystic Fibrosis Tune-up. He had been there for a few days already. It was a Thursday and I remember getting up and getting ready for work. (This was when I still worked at the Furniture Store) It was around 8am when I got a call from Richard telling me that he had woke in the middle of the night and started throwing up. He said that they were going to consult with the G.I. doctor's and see if they could figure out what was going on.

Richard had been noticing a hard knot in his stomach after he would eat for a few months now. He had told the Doctor's about this and they just wrote it off as one of the many digestive problems that most CF patients face. Nothing was ever done about up till this point.

The Pulmonary team got in touch with the Gastroenterologist docs and they decided to do a Barium Enema. (yuck I know) So I went on to work after Richard convinced that it was no big deal and he would be fine. I said alright and to work I went.

I tried to stay busy and I kept thinking why hasn't Richard called me yet to let me know what's going on. I called and checked on him once and he told me he would have to call me back the Doctor's had just came in. So ok I sat and waited for him to call. When he did I asked what was going on. And he said when you get off work I want you to go get Sharon (My adopted into the family Mother-In-Law) and come to the hospital. Well duh I knew right then that something was up. So I kept asking him telling him to tell me. His voice started to break and he said"Baby they found something and they are pretty sure it's Cancer." I couldn't speak it was like all the air had been sucked out of my body. I told him I had to go and I would call him back. I went to the bathroom and tried to gather my thoughts. I came out and was crying and my boss was like what's going on. I told him what they had said in between trying to catch my breath and I told him I had to go to the hospital.

I went and picked Sharon up and to the hospital we went. We had been there for only a few minutes when the Pulmonary Doctor the GI team and the Nurse on the unit had came in. They told us that Richard couldn't have anything to eat or drink that day and night. That he was scheduled for surgery at 5:30 the next morning. They told us that the cancer appeared to be contained and if that was the case they would remove it and as long as it hadn't spread or invaded any lymph nodes that he wouldn't have to do any chemo treatments and they would just follow up with him.

I didn't know what to do or where to begin. I called work and got the Family Medical Leave Act papers sent to me because they said it would be about a six week recovery process for Richard. I turned them in the very next afternoon. Our friend Renae came and got the boys and took them to her house where they would stay for the next 2 weeks. At this time they didn't know what was going on. Richard didn't want to tell them until he was back on his feet.

The next morning I got to the hospital at 4am. Richard got a shower and we talked about all the possibilities. They came and got him for surgery right on time. We got to walk with him the whole way to the holding room. It was me, Sharon, Jerry, my 2 sister-in-laws and my niece. I was scared to death. The whole day was a lot of tears and worry for all of us. Around 1 the Doctor called the front desk and wanted us to meet her in the family room. It was then that I felt sick. We went in and we waited. She came in and I could tell by looking at her that it wasn't good news.

She said that it was much worse than they anticipated. The cancer was a little bit larger than a golf ball and there was no room left for anything to get around it. (hence the reason Richard got sick) And that it had spread to the outer muscle of the stomach. She removed a little over a foot of the small intestine and colon, the muscle around the stomach that was also cancerous, his appendix and a spot on his liver. As well as fixed a hernia that he had developed around his belly button. He was cut from just under his sternum to down below the belly button. She felt like she had gotten it all. At least everything that she could see. I was devastated. I was so upset I couldn't speak when she was talking to me and asking questions. Everybody else had to answer. But then she hugged me and looked at me and told me that Richard was a fighter and we would get through this all with tears in her eyes. It touched me in a way I can't explain but I still remember it as if it were yesterday. And sitting here typing all this brings it all back. Richard spent 2 days in the ICU.

Then he was moved to the Surgical Unit. Where I pretty much stayed around the clock. He couldn't do anything. For about 5 days all he could have were ice chips. And only a few at a time. He was catheterized, had a spinal block, and a morphine pump, He couldn't cough to clear his lungs because it hurt so bad. The doctors were worried that Pneumonia would set in. It never did. After spending 8 days on the surgical unit he was then moved back to the Pulmonary floor. Which we were very glad of. Most everybody there is like family to us and they care for us. Richard lost alot of weight when he was discharged he weighed 178 pounds. He is 6'2 and he was skin and bones at this time. All he wore were pajamas and they had to have the tie in the waste so they wouldn't fall off.

When we got the pathology report it had revealed all of the Surgeons suspicions. It had spread to the lymph nodes and it was Stage 3. Richard had to recover over a 6 week period before starting Chemo treatments. He completed four out of 12 rounds of the IV form of Chemo. It was just to much and his body couldn't handle it. So he stopped all treatments.

The on April 14th of this year he went for a scan and we were confident that they wouldn't find anything and that the scan would be clean like it was in July after the surgery. We were wrong. That is the day we discovered that the Cancer is back and this time it is much worse and Stage 4.

I have said all this to just be able to look back over the last year. It has been a very hard year for us as a family. We have faced things that I wouldn't put off on anybody. This is a constant struggle in our Faith with God and as a family. From the very first day we have both just turned it over to God. And he has given us this past year and we have learned to slow down and just enjoy the little things. I cherish every moment God chooses to give me with the love of my life. The Doctor has given Richard 2 years if this new pill form of Chemo works. When we went on June 9th the cancer hadn't grown but it hadn't shrunk either. It's just stable. And if the Chemo doesn't work we have at the most a year. It is hard for me to even fathom the thought of this.

There is an elderly couple that come to the Hospital where I work. He is 91 and she is 86 they have been married for 65 years. He carries her purse while she pushes her walker. He touches the small of her back ever so gently and she turns and smiles at him. And they both still have that sparkle in there eyes and you can tell that even after 65 years they are still so much in love with one another.

I want nothing more than to be that couple. I am trying to fit 65 years of marriage and memories into whatever time God gives us. God is the only one that really watches the clock anyway.

Where does the time go?

Has it really been 2 whole days since I made a post? Unbelievable!

Many thanks to everyone that stopped by from SITS. Please keep visiting. There are some of you I haven't gotten to yet. But believe me I'm coming to check you out. If you guys didn't have some awesome posts maybe I wouldn't spend half the day reading. Haha you guys are great.

The Blog change is coming along nicely. I am very proud of it and I love it. Krystyn is awesome and very helpful. Because ya'll know I'm clueless about this sort of thing. be sure to check out Krizzy Designs for all your Blogging needs.

As far as the Title I really appreciate every ones suggestions. I have one that I came up with myself. I hope you guys like it. You will all find out what it is when my new Blog is up and running.

As far as family news Richard isn't going to California right now. Because of the fires the smoke is just to bad where his Dad lives. So the trip has been postponed more than likely until the Fall. I am sad for Richard because I know how much he was looking forward to it. Maybe when he does go we will all be able to go. I know the boys would love it.

And one last thing. I realized tonight that Jacob is as crazy about shoes as I am. We went to 3 different stores tonight to get him a new pair of shoes. That boy sure is picky. I mean what is so special about these skater shoes. They make your feet look wide as all get out. Gosh am I really getting so old that I don't know what is cool anymore. Oh Geez Please No. I can't wait to see what happens when we go shopping for school clothes. He looked at me tonight and said "Mom I'm growing up it's middle school. I have my own style" (tears I tell you tears) Maybe I still stand a chance with Calob. Ok so who am I kidding he strives to be like his Big Brother already. And Jacob tells him what is Hot and what's Not.

Oh what is a Mother to do?

WOW! Real quick.

I just realized that I am considered a Saucy Blog. According to SITS. I absolutely love this site. It helps me to find Blogs that I didn't know existed and their all awesome. Also SITS holds some pretty awesome contests too. So check 'em out.
SITS Rocks!

PS! Don't forget to read the post below and leave your Title suggestion. I need all the Help I can get. Thanks again.

Change is coming...

I know that I ask alot... ALOT from you guys. But I really need help on this one. So please HELP ME!

I am changing my Blog thanks to Krystyn I am also thinking about changing the main title of my page. This Blog is not just about me and My Life as a CFers Wife. Although it is a Huge part of it. I blog mainly about me, my feelings, Richard and the boys and crazy things that seem to happen to us (Ok more less things that happen to me) It's about us as a family.

So I am open for suggestions. I want everybody to participate in this one. So come on suggest away! The one that I like will be revealed when my new blog design is done. And I promise to give you some mad love about it too.

"You're Amazing"

You know it's funny how 2 little words can bring a flood of tears.

Help?

Sorry for the 2nd post today but I must say this.

I want to custom design my blog with more than the one picture in the header. And I want it to just be something pretty and simple. But I don't know how to do it. Of course. I know it's done with Digital Scrapbooking but I am clueless. I have found a site that I really like their stuff called the Shabby Princess and I love the Promise collection.So if somebody would be willing to take on this task for me. I would be so appreciative. Or even maybe tell me how to do it. Thanks whole bunches.

When you look... what do you see?

Today I got asked the questions "Why am I here?" and "How do I do it?"

I thought I would post my answers to these questions here just in case anyone else was wondering.

"Why am I here?" I have no choice. I have to work. Richard has always had CF and ever since he was in his early 20's he has been on full disability. It is not enough to support our household. I would love nothing more than to be able to stay home and take care of him. But that is just not possible. We struggle alot. I worry alot about finances and how I'm going to do this or do that. I also pray alot. And somehow things always get taken care of. I also have to work for Insurance. Yes Richard has Medicare but there is 20% that they don't pay for. This can lead to thousands of dollars being due on Hospital admissions. And with my Insurance he doesn't have to pay anything. Which is great. Mainly that is what I work for is the Insurance. When the time comes and Richard gets worse I will take the Family Medical leave which is 12 weeks to stay home and be with him. If I need more than the allotted 12 weeks then we will cross that bridge when we get there. Right now Richard is holding his own and do pretty well. But when he needs me I will be there. We will cross that bridge when it gets here. We have wonderful support from family, friends and our Church. And I know that they would help out however they could. And I'm sure the time is coming when I will need them to help with meals and the boys and housework. But right now I don't need these things. I am capable of handling the day to day things that Richard doesn't feel like doing.

Next question.

"How do I do it?" First off it's not like I had a choice. Ok wait maybe I did. I knew before ever moving here that Richard had CF and I did my fair share of research on this disease. And I made the choice for myself and the boys to take on this life. I would rather have had this life and this love than to spend the rest of my life looking for it. The Cancer I could have done without. We had enough going on with out that being thrown into the mix. But God has a reason. And God is how I do it. And He is the only way I will be able to make it through this.

So now I have a question to ask of you. Is there something you would like to know but haven't asked. Then now is your chance. I will answer any and all questions you have for myself and our family. All you got to do is ask.

Check it out

Hubby posted today. It's been a while so go see here.

I am thrilled that today is Friday. It has been crazy here at work this week. They are still renovating my office space so I remain out in the lobby with my little pushcart that contains my computer and phone. I have to wheel it out here every morning and then make sure to wheel it back in, in the evening and lock it up. It's not so bad out here I don't suppose. But I'm ready to have my office space back. 2 more weeks they say. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Don't have to much planned for this weekend and I am very glad for that. I just want to be lazy and lounge around the house and wear my PJ's. Curl up on the couch and read a good book or work on my afghans that is my plan. Then in the evening when the boys come in from outside we can play board games and watch movies. Yay! for a quite and peaceful weekend coming my way.

Richard hasn't been feeling the best the last couple of days. I'm not quite sure what is going on with him. He's been napping in the afternoons and going to bed early at night. This really isn't like him. He's been complaining about a backache though. So maybe that's what it is. His color really doesn't look good. It hasn't for sometime now. It makes it hard for me to look at him and see how he is feeling. But he has those eyes that tell on him. And when he talks I can tell. His breathing is better not so short anymore. But he is starting to cough more frequently. Maybe it's just the humid weather we've been having.

We are still waiting to hear about the test they did on the Tumor they removed last year to see if the Antibody drug they want to use is showing signs of working. I hope so because the Chemo is really tough on him. He is enjoying this time being off of it though. And we are going on vacation before he starts backon the Cghemo or the new drug if it works. First he is making his trip to California for a week and then when he gets back the very next day we are leaving to head to the BEACH for a WEEK! Whoo Hoo! Can you tell I'm excited! Oh yeah babe. I love our family vacations it has been so long since we have taken one we all are ready and counting down the days.

I just hope Richard gets over this hump he's on. I don't know maybe this is his plateau and this is just how it's going to be. I try really hard not to think about the time limits the Doctor gave us and I try not to think about all the things he said when Richard gets into the later stages of the Cancer. But seeing him not bouncing back like he normally would after a 10 day stay in the hospital leaves me to think. Is this just the beginning of the end? I just want him to feel better than he does. I pray for God to just let him feel a little better. I know God hears me and he does what he thinks is best whether I think it is or not. I still stand firm in my Faith and I trust in God's plan no matter how much it hurts. He has a plan for us.

Didn't intend on writing a book. Hope you all have an awesome weekend.

Sweet Baby

Introducing the newest member of our Family... Milo!

We have figured out that we can't keep Dixie (the pit bull) Her and Gracie are just not meshing well. However we are going to wait till we can find good homes for her and her pups. But we are going to keep one and this is him. Isn't he just precious?And he has a great little personality already.

We brought him in the house and Gracie was giving him sugars of course Maxx is still kind of hanging back. I'm sure he'll come around too. And the boys well their thrilled of course. Was there ever any doubt? I mean 2 boys and a new puppy come on it was meant to be.

Stress relief

So most of you know that ever sense Richard got re diagnosed with the Cancer. That I have been really stressed out. I can cry at the drop of a hat over stuff that is not a big deal. Stress and worry have taken over my life. And I am trying to crawl out of the rut.

I have chosen to take on a hobby that I have always loved but haven't done in years. It helps to ease my mind and it keeps me busy. I pray and crochet. I just started back yesterday and I have 2 projects in the works. Guess I'm really stressed considering how much I already have done. It's working though. Sometimes I get so lost in the moment of praying and talking to God I don't think of all the bad stuff going on. Thank God for balls of yarn.

I am also going to bed a little earlier and reading a book for about an hour before turning the lights out. I am sleeping better so it is helping to "Slow my Roll". Still not all through the night but more sleep than before.

I'm excited about these milestones with my stress control. Hey whatever works. Right? I will be sure to display my finished pieces with I'm through with them. The blue and green one is for Kim she has to have one she said. And the other one well it's for the Hubby when he curls up in the recliner in the evenings. I don't think he knows that though. So shhhhh...

I guess when I'm through with these too I will just crochet to do it. Maybe Christmas presents. Hmmmm... there's a thought. Anybody want an afghan made?

Sweet Katey

My dear sweet friend Katey has a new Blog page. And I want you to check it out and show her some love. She's awesome and the things that she has been through in her short life amaze me. She is a beautiful, young Godly woman. her strength through everything she has faced is just a blessing. She truly is a CF miracle.

Happy Daddy's Day!

My Daddy and I haven't always gotten along. I was a stubborn little brat after my Mom died when I was 9. See my Mom and Dad weren't together and at the time I didn't see my Dad very often maybe 4 times or so a year. He was a truck driver and alot of time my Mother and I lived out of State. So when my Mother died it was shock for both of us.

Here I was a 9 year old freckled faced tom-boy in all sense of the word. I had never worn a dress before in my life accept for when I was a baby. But I had to have a dress to wear to my Mother's funeral. She died the weekend after Easter. So all the dresses that were available were Pastel. So of course my dress was pink it had a sailor white lace collar. Also I had patent leather white shoes and white tights with a white hat with a pink bow on the brim. I looked like I was going to see the Easter Bunny. My Dad and I laugh about this now but at the time I was not a happy camper. I didn't want to wear a stupid dress especially a pink one. But I did and eveyone thought I was so cute. YUCK!

Anyways growing up I made things very difficult for my dad. I was a spoiled brat and I am not proud of that. I gave him a run for his money that's for sure. When I was 15 I met a guy and I just thought he hung the moon. He was sweet and kind and just absolutely wonderful. When I turned 16 I thought I was grown. My Dad was out of town hauling a load of freight. So I decided I was moving out and I did. I remember the first time I called my Dad after moving out. I said Hey Daddy it's me. And his response was I know who it is and don't daddy me. And he hung up.

Well about 3 months after I moved out I discovered that I was pregnant. I told guy who hung the moon. And he flipped out and became very violent towards me. Well I knew I couldn't go home which now I know I could have. Anyway somehow through all the Hell and torture I was put through my sweet baby was fine and he came into this world as beautiful as ever on December 29th 1996. My Dad did not see him until I finally got enough courage to leave jerk and move in with a friend. Then I went to visit my Dad and we have had an awesome relationship ever since. Jacob was 18 months old at this time and my Dad loved him from the very start. Of course I was young and stupid and I went back to the jerk. I was 18. He promised things would be different and they were for a little while and then I discovered I was pregnant with baby 2. Again he became a jerk. I lived with him until I met Richard and learned what love was really about. Richard loves the boy like they are his own and they love him just the same. It doesn't matter that they don't share the same blood they are his. He is their Dad and the one that is always there no matter what. I can not believe that I stayed in that mess with the jerk for 5 years. It has taken me along time forgive myself for putting my children through that. But they are so much better off without him. He doesn't see them nor does he pay any kind of child support. And I am glad because I have no strings attached to my Ex.

Anyways I have told you all this to express to you how important my Dad is to me. He has taught me the meaning of tough love. And I know I have hurt my Dad numerous times over the years. But now that I am older and wiser. I am so grateful for the life that my dad gave me. And that he let me learn from my mistakes. And I know now that my Dad is proud of the choices I have made and the Life I now have. I love my Dad more now that I am older and have a totally different respect for him than I ever had before. He is wonderful. And I am thankful for the Daddy that has always loved me. No matter how wild I was. He loved me. Even though we didn't talk for sometime. He still Loved me. And he will always love me and I him. So Happy Father's Day to my Daddy and I can't wait to see you and hug in a few short weeks. No matter how old I get there is just something about a hug from my Dad that I love.

Contest

So I found this contest and thought it was pretty awesome. I really want to win that Hat and the purse. Ya'll know how I am about some purses. You should check it out if you have a second. Here's wishing you good luck.
http://www.rheahollan.blogspot.com

P.S. If someone could maybe send me an email telling me how do the link up html stuff I would greatly appreciate it. Cause I sure can't firgure this stuff out. Thanks so much.

I stole this! ( Love ya April)

So my Good Bloggy Friend April did this and I thought what the heck. Most of the stuff I blog about is serious and I know you guys could probably use something a little more interesting and more about me. After all the Hubs does have his own blog that he could use to write alot of this stuff. So here it is I don't know if my list with be nearly as long as my Tumultous Brain friend. But here goes...

A bunch of random things about me. In no particular order.

1. I am very, very honest. To the point that sometimes this gets me into trouble. If you really want to know if those pants make you look fat you can ask me but be warned the truth does tend to hurt.

2. When I was 5 I fell off of an A-frame swing because I was standing upand broke both of my collar bones at the same time. I had to wear a brace that pulled both of my arms back and made me look like a chicken for weeks.

3. Purses and shoes are my weakness.

4. My flat iron and I should be connected at the hip.

5. I have one tattoo that I just got in March for my Birthday. And I already want more.

6. I am undiagnosed OCD. At least according to my friends. I seperate everything I eat. Nothing can touch or run together. I seperate M&M's by their color and fruit cocktail by the fruit. Weird yes I know.

7. I wash my hands religiously. I work in a hospital and I am always scared I am going to take something home to Richard. And Germ-X and me are best buds.

8. I am very girly.

9. DOTS Gummies are my favorite candy of all time.

10. Even though it has been 19 years since my Mother died. I still miss her everyday.

11. I have been hit by a Ford F150 when I was 7 while trying to cross a four lane highway with my baby sitter. And I lived to tell about it.

12. I love pickles and would eat them all the time if I could.

13. My Middle name is Milissa and it's prounced like My Lissa not Melissa.

14.I have 3 half sisters that I wish I was closer too.

15. When I am 32 Jacob my oldest will be half my age. Scary!

16. The best thing that came out of the 5 year hellish relationship with my Ex is my two boys.

17. Richard really is my Knight in Shining Armor. He saved me. He loves me and the boys so much and he makes us incredibly happy. I don't think the boys would be this way if we stayed in the situation we were in. They are smart, wonderful joys in my life my 3 guys!~

18. I have spent so many hours in the ER with the boys that they should give me a discount like 2 for 1 or some frequent flyer miles. They are definitely boys that's for sure.

19. Secretly I would love to have another baby but that is just not possible. There is just something about being pregnant that is wonderful.

20. When I was 14 my best friend Mabel and I went to mid night madness at the fair with some guy friends of ours. And told our parents we were staying the night with each other. We rode the Kamikaze and I got sick. I couldn't make it to the Port-O-Potties so I threw up on the Coliseum stairs. The next day one of the guys we went with called me and said "The Janitor called and said you need to some clean up you mess off the steps" It has been an ongoing joke still to this day.

21. I miss my Best Friend Mabel everyday. We have been friends for years and I love when I get to go home to Florida and spend time with her and the kiddos. Oh and of course Curly Bob! I also miss my crazy friend Becca. She is hilarious and I can count her to drop whatever it is and come to my rescue at anytime. I love you guys endlessly!

22. I wish my Daddy lived closer I worry about him in Florida all by himself. But he's one tough cookie and he has already said it's too cold in Alabama for him to move here. I can't wait to go home this summer to spend sometime with him . And for him to spend some time with the boys I know he misses them terribly. Whoo Hoo beach here I come!

23. I love my Jesus more than anything. Without him I am nothing. He gives me this incredible strength when I am so very weak.
"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."Psalm 16:5-8

24. Now I'm thinking that number 23 really should be number 1 so just make yourself a mental note.

25. I am a doodle maniac. Every piece of paper that is within reach has something doodled on it. A name some funky art, scribbles just stuff. My desk calendar is pratically covered this month and it's not over yet.

26. Scary movies terrify me. I am a big ol' baby. A scaredy cat if you will.

Ok so I will do more as I think of them later. But this gives you an idea.

Apparently

I'm not as loved as I thought I was. I'm a little disappointed in my Q & A so I decided to draft it.



Anywho things around here are going good. Sort of. Richard and I have been bickering the last couple of days over his trip to California. It's not that I don't want him to go but as a caretaker and a wife and not being able to go with him I am worried. It is my nature ya know. He can't take his vest with him because he is traveling alone he can't lug that heavy thing around so that means no chest PT of any kind for a week. Not to mention the flight itself plus a 2 hour layover in Dallas then when he gets to Sacremento he has to ride the 4 hours to Redding to get to his Dad's. That's enough to wear out a normal healthy person. But a person that has CF and Cancer and just finished Chemo and got out the hospital for a 10 day stay. I mean HELLO.I am not a happy camper.

And it's not that I don't doubt that his family there will take care of him. But there are alot of things they don't know. Like his medicine regimen what meds he gets when he's in the hospital, what he's allergic to, just alot of things. And God forbid something happen the nearest CF center is in Sacremento so that means a 4 hour drive back the other way. I do not think Richard should make the trip at least not now maybe when I can go with him and he hasn't just gotten out of the hospital.

I know how badly he wants to go and meet everyone. Honestly I do. And I and the boys would like to too. Why can't they all come here? I mean planes fly both ways the last time I checked. And if some of them are buying plane tickets to fly there couldn't they as easily fly here. I know that it would be simpler for Richard to just fly there but sometimes do to health and other issues you have to make sacrifices.

I don't know why I bother writing this it's not going to change anything the plane ticket has already been purchased. Of course we only agreed on him going 3 or 4 days but Oh NO he's going for 7 days. How did that happen you ask? The plane ticket and planning was done after I went to bed. UGH I could pinch his head off sometimes.

If he gets out there and something happens I can't just drop everything and fly to California. I have a job a very good job. And I would have to find someone to take care of the boys. I just think that all these things should have been considered by all parties.

I don't understand why the whole reunion thing couldn't be pushed back a few days. I can take off anytime beginning on the 10th and then I and the boys could fly with him. But oh No that would just disrupt everything for everyone.

I just really don't like this at all. I don't think I am being unreasonable by not wanting Richard to travel alone. Nor do I think I am being unreasonable when it comes to his health.

We have been married for almost 8 years and I love him more than anything. Him and the boys are my everything. I hope he has a good time because this will be the last trip he makes out there alone.

Good but not Great

Well we're home finally. Why do appointsments have to take so long?

Ok so I know you guys are all on the edge of your seats wanting to know what we found out. Alright calm down... The tumors didn't grow BUT they didn't shrink either. So the Chemo just basically maintained what was already there. Good news but not Great news. Richard will take 4 weeks off of Chemo and still fly out to California as planned the first week of July. In the meantime the Oncology team is going to test the Tumor that they removed last year when he had that and a foot of his colon removed to see if it responds to a new medicine they want to try. It is not Chemo it's an Antibody drug. So they will see if the test show it responding well and if it does he will start on that when he returns home. If it doesn't appear to respond well he can either continue with another 6 week round of the Chemo or not do anything wait 3 months have another scan and see where we are at. But in the meantime we are going to take advantage of the off time and just try to have a great summer.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and for thinking about us through all of this craziness. I'm sure there is plenty more to come. Maybe I can get back to just telling the quirky stories of us and not so much about the Cancer and CF at least for a little while.

Bucketful of Nerves

Well the Hubby came home yesterday from the Hospital. Yay so excited. And I actually did get more than a couple of hours of sleep which was very much needed. Don't know if it was do to him being home or me just being exhausted. I have also been reading at night before I go to bed and I do have to say it... It helps.

So today is the day. June 9th seems like we have been waiting for this day forever. We are both nervous and curious to see what the Scan shows and what our next step is going to be. Please pray for us this morning. We could use them now more than ever.

He has to be there at 7:30 for labs then 8 for the full body CAT scan and then he sees the Oncologist at 9. So everything is back to back I like it that way doesn't give us much time to think about the what if's.

I have to go get ready it is already after 6 I will update everyone when we get home.

How am I doing?

This is a question I get asked alot. And alot of times my answer is always I'm doing ok. So the truth is well... I'm not so Ok. I am tired to the point where I can't hardly hold my head up and I feel like I am in slow motion. For lunch I had some pretzels because I really don't have much of an appetite but knew I needed to eat something. Also I went to Starbucks and got a Venti Mocha frap with 3, yes 3 shots of espresso. So right now I am still tired but I am wired.

Tonight the boys have there little closing ceremony thing at Church to end the week of VBS. So I am going to go to that to see what all they have been doing. Because they want tell me. It's a secret. And then I think when I get home I am going to take a Tylenol Pm and go to sleep or at least I hope I go to sleep. I promised Richard I would do this because he is worried about me. It's not just the fact that he isn't home that I don't sleep. I just don't sleep. It's like at night when I lay down my mind goes in a hundred different directions. I think about everything. I am a worrier by nature. I think of all the things that are coming up as far as appointments for Richard. What is our next step? How am I going to make it on my own when he is gone? I don't want to be a widow by the time I'm 30. What are our children gonna see as this progresses? How bad is it really gonna get? My mind gets the best of me. I can not focus for long period of times. I have recently been told that I have alot of anxiety and that I am High Strung. NO KIDDING! Also I was told that I need to learn how to slow my roll. Um Ok... sure thing. Then I was reffered to attend a meditation class. Ok let's think about this. Me in a quiet room with people I don't know and the voices in my head. Yeah thanks but no thanks.

I went yesterday and bought some books although I am some what out of the loop and don't know what are good reads and what aren't. I haven't really had the time lately but I feel like maybe curling up with a good book and having something else to focus on in the evenings will help me to relax. So if you no of any good books to read please let me know. I am certainly up for any suggestions you may have. Ok so thanks for letting me vent. Now that I think about it I guess that I am Ok.

Exhausted

I am beyond tired. I feel as if the world is swirling around and I am just standing still in the middle of it. I can not tell you the last time I have had a good nights sleep. I was awake before the alarm clock ever went off this morning at 5:30. I was already half way dressed by this time. So I finished getting ready and left to come on to the hospital. I spent a little bit more than hour with Richard before walking over to clock in and get to work. I just really want to go home and get in the bed whether I sleep or not at least I would be in the bed.

Richard is still doing good he's got hospital fever (like cabin fever) he is so ready to get out of this place. So this morning when I was over there he has a white board that hangs on the wall the nurses use it for various things. Anyways I wrote on it what today is his nurses name and "Smile your Wife and Boys love you so much! And then I put Only 3 days left. He liked it and of course he smiled. He said that would make it a little easier to tolerate. These days spent in the hospital are so hard on us. Let me give you a run down of my day yesterday.
5:30Am Alarm goes off Jump out of bed into the shower, do makeup iron clothes.
6:00Am wake up grumpy children Jacob feed the dog, Calob fix your and brothers sandwich all while I am cooking breakfast and getting snacks drinks and chips together for their lunches.
6:20Am Throw on clothes flat iron hair very quickly.
6:35Am give boys kisses and hugs out the door on my way to work.
7:15Am walk 3 blocks from my parking deck all while holding a coffee mug and a purse that weighs like 20 pounds with all my stuff I need for the day. Stop in real quick see Hubby give him a kiss and clock in at 7:25Am.
7:30aM call my Mother-in-law she is on her way to pick up the boys and take them to the Boys and Girls club.
8Am - 11Am work
11 Am grab lunch walk over to hubby's room and eat there with him.
Noon walk back to work and stay there until
3:30Pm stop in see Hubby give him a smooch and then walk the 3 blocks back to the Parking Deck.
4Pm -5Pm sit through a meeting.
5:15Pm Come back to see hubby and spend some time with him.
5:30Pm Call MIL again to make sure she got the boys picked up from the Boys and Girls club and took them to the Church for Vacation Bible School. Ok Done.
6:45Pm Meet Kim outside ER for dinner at Los Juane's.
7:45Pm leave restaurant.
8:15Pm Arrive at Wal-Mart
8:30 Pm Load stuff in car and head home. Yes I spent $110 in 10 Minutes.
8:50 Pm Pull in driveway , unload car put up groceries.
9:15Pm Boys arrive home from Church, The eat and take their showers, get ready for bed.
10Pm talk to MIL about the day we have both had discuss Richard and our plan for Monday when Richard goes for the scan and to see the Oncologist.
10:45Pm get off the phone with MIL call Richard talk to him for a while about what MIL and I just discussed.
11:30Pm turn off lights crawl into bed and watch the ceiling fan turn and turn and turn. Wide awake thinking of all the stuff that I have to do today.

So that was my day yesterday. I'm sure today is going to be just as crazy. I am tired Mentally and physically. I need a vacation of some sort. Hope you guys have a great day!

Busy, busy, busy

I haven't blogged in days. I'm sure you all have been wondering what's going on. But don't everything is fine. Richard is doing very well. He may get to come home Sunday which would only be a 10 day stay instead of 14 but it just depends on how he is feeling between now and then. But currently he has been feeling pretty good.

No one is more ready for him to come home than I. Ok so maybe the boys. Kim spent the weekend with us to help me out some which was great I actually got some stuff done. She was off yesterday so she took them out for a day of fun at the batting cages. They had a blast. We spent all day Saturday at the hospital with Richard . I crawled in the bed with him and took a well deserved nap. I'm glad cause that is pretty much all the sleep I have had since he has been gone. I've been going over there every afternoon and having lunch with him. Which makes it a little bit more tolerable on the both of us. Before I began working at the hospital we could just see each other on the weekends so this is alot better.

All in all this stay has't been that bad. He is still scheduled for the scan on June 9th to see if the Chemo worked or not. They were going to do it while he's in but decided that since he will be going home on Sunday that he could just keep his scheduled appointment. Which works out best for everyone I suppose. Ok so I'll try to blog again later after I go see him this afternoon. Hope everyone has a great day.