The one thing in life that I want more than anything I can't have.
To hear him say I love you, to feel the touch of his hand, the warmth of his kisses... that's the one thing I want.
I know where he is and in some ways I suppose that makes it a little easier. I don't wish him back to this place.
However it doesn't make my heart any less broken.
I try to sleep yet when I close my eyes the last 8 years 9 months and 20 days of our lives replay in my head over and over. I see his smile, I hear his laugh, I can even smell him.
Calob cries and screams for his Daddy. Jacob cries when he thinks no one is looking.
The last 13 days of my life have been some of the hardest. If it weren't for the boys and some sort of routine I don't think I would get out of the bed most days. Thank God for my precious boys.
I haven't yet gone back to work. I am not ready for that part of this. I plan on going back October 5th. We'll see.
We tried to go camping this Labor Day weekend. It was a disaster from the start. Loads of tears shed by all then it rained. So we came home and Calob has sworn off ever going camping again. It's not the same. It's hard.
It's all so very hard.
6 months ago
19 comments:
Oh,Kori, I'm praying for the Great Comforter to surround you and the boys. My heart breaks for you. Wish I could be there for you in some way.
Keep pressing on. One day at a time, one hour at a time, knowing that God is there holding you up, knowing that you are being prayed for! Love you!
I'm so sorry Kori. When we found out Caitlin died I couldn't sleep at all that night or the next. Then, I hated going to sleep - laying there waiting for sleep to come I would just think of her and everything that I'd lost. Although it didn't seem like it at the time, I think that time alone in my head helped.
I also relied on the routine of going to the NICU to see Julia and Gabrielle to get me out of bed everyday. But, I think there's something to be said for indulging your desire to just stay in bed. You have the boys to keep you from living there permanently, so I say after you have them off for the day, if that's what you want to do, do it until they come home. Looking back, I never had the chance to do nothing except wallow for a bit in my misery, and I kind of wish I did.
There'll come a time when the days are easier; it just sucks waiting for that time to come.
I am so sorry....it makes it worse when someone else you love is hurting and you don't know how to help them. Love you lots....praying for all of you.
I'm so sorry!!! I will be saying an EXTRA SPECIAL prayer for you this week; but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers daily! Let me know if you need anything at all!!! Sending some hugs your way!! Love ya!!!
Oh Kori,
I can't even begin to imagine how different it is for you now. And the boys. Just hang in there honey...praying for ya.
Jane
I am so sorry sweetie. I can't imagine the pain and loss.
The only thing I have to compare is losing my dad at 29. It hurt so bad and we had a 2 yr. old that said 'granpa' every time she heard the door open. It killed me.
Hang in there. God is faithful and the pain will eventually lessen. You will be able to smile at the memories you have. But, I know now it is too soon.
Lisa Q
Kori I just can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, it breaks my heart because I know you and the boys are going through so much pain. I understand that you wouldn't wish Richard back to this place in the pain he was in but I can close my eyes and think, gosh what if I were in your shoes, what if I never got to see Steve's smiling face, what if I never got to look in his pretty eyes or feel his touch ever again. I can't imagine and makes me cry to think of that.
You know back in December my uncle passed away. My dad told me the other day he had talked to my aunt and the previous weekend that he talked to her was their anniversary. She said she loaded up and drove down to the coast just like they always did on their anniversary. (it would have been their 51st anniversary). She said she went to the places they used to love to go, she went out to eat at the places they loved to eat at, she did all this alone. That broke my heart to hear but yet I know my uncle is probably up there smiling that she did that. You tell Calob to not give up on those camping trips, that's not what his dad would want him to do.
Love ya Kori and hope to see ya soon.
Tracy
Still thinking of you and praying. I don't know what more to say!
Christine
This post just broke my heart. Sometimes, life just isn't fair. Period.
I have no idea what to say, and really, I'm sure nothing can be said. Just know that many many people think and pray for you on a daily basis.
I know this isn't the same...but when Josh died, I was so grateful I had the twins, who were only 6 months old then. I would never have gotten out of bed had it not been for Matt and Meg. They were a huge reason I survived Josh's death.
Know that not a day goes by Kori, where you aren't in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm praying for you and the boys.
Oh, honey, please know that we are all here praying for you. I wish I could physically be there to help you, but know that you are in our prayers and loved so much!
I can only imagine what the days must feel like right now, and I don't have any words besides what you have already heard. But, the one thing I have learned in this life is this - God never, ever leaves us even for a second. And He carries us when we are too tired, exhausted and weak to do anything ourselves. So you just rest in that and let Him carry you. He will not let you go and you are safe, even though I know it must feel like the world is falling away beneath your feet.
Much love and many hugs,
Angela
Awww sweetie.... I wish I could make it all better. So much.
Hey Kori,
I check on here often to see if you post. I hope you are taking care of yourself through the sad empty days. Its so easy to be a caregiver and get caught up in the illness but once our loved one is gone, everything feels so wrong, so empty. Take care of yourself and day by day, you will feel a bit better, never "over it" but better.
Love,Kimberly from Canada
So sorry for you all. Continuing to pray for you. xoxo
I am still praying for you and your boys. I can only imagine how hard it is for you and really don´t know what to say, that would make it easier.
Just know that there are people out there praying, even when you can´t!
My experience is when possible take the time to sit and remember all the wonderful blessings I shared with my wife before she died. And as I meditate on this sometimes I hear the many things she said in times gone by, at times I have journaled about the experience, but mostly I just except the moment and go with it - at least when it has worked the best I think - it has been freeing for me to take time that sort of time out of the busyness of life.
I am most certainly still praying for the McCulley's ; that grace leads us on to Christ is the most amazing thing I have discovered,
I am rambling - prayers and blessings - The Risen Lord is with you!
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