I am a planner and a do-er.
I am quite possible the most OCD person I know when it comes to planning things.
I plan weekends way in advance and now alot of those plans go undone.
I do things to keep my mind busy, here lately I notice that it's not that easy anymore.
Last week I talked with my good friend J. She is the coordinator for Palliative Care here at the Hospital.
I needed answers. Answers that I feel like we're not getting from the Doctor. I need a plan. I have to know that we have a plan.
I feel like when we go to see the Doc on the 28th, that since we're not having a scan or labs done that he is probably going to go ahead and release Richard over to Hospice Care to help with his pain management. To better prepare us for what is ultimately just looming around the corner.
I know that Hospice doesn't mean the end. It's just to prepare and have a plan in place as Richard's illness progresses.
I am starting to notice some physical changes that are taking place with him. His arms and legs are becoming much thinner as well as his face has slimmed down some. But his belly is so distended, it sticks way out there.
The other night after Jacob's art show when we got home the power was out in the neighborhood. The boys were off playing outside enjoying whatever daylight was left and the Hubby was laying on the Couch and I was on the love seat.
It was Dark in the house except for a little light still coming through the screen door. It was quite. But then out of nowhere I heard these words.
"I know I don't have 6 months left"
I couldn't speak, I couldn't get past the lump in my throat. Ya know the Doctor has been telling us that he doesn't expect Richard to be here at Christmas and to enjoy our time as a family.
I cried as I felt the confirmation of what was truly happening to us overwhelm me.
Then my husband began to speak some more.
"Baby don't cry, this life here is just temporary. I can't even begin to fathom what it's going to be like in Heaven and to see our maker's face. How wonderful it will be."
All I could say was this.
"I love you so very, very much. I can't imagine it either. I will miss you with every ounce of my being but, I wouldn't wish you back here to this place to have to continue to go through all this. I wouldn't cause yes, this place is only temporary.
Then I had to remind myself to Breathe.
6 months ago
31 comments:
Wow - I'm a mess. I can't imagine what you're feeling and what Richard is feeling. This is so much bigger than ANYTHING I've ever had to go through. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this time - however long it may be.
I am overwhelmed for you. So much to take in, remember, face. I can't fathom what goes through your mind daily.
Hold on to Jesus.
Lisa Q
I don't know what to say...even though you may have come to accept, my heart breaks for you. It really does.
What amazing Faith he has and what strength you have to hold yourself together and continue on. Bless you always.
Oh, Kori...
Oh, Kori, this post brought back so many memories for me. :-( I can relate to that utter sense of helplessness you are feeling.
I'm so sorry for you and Richard to have to go through this, to face this, but if ever there seemed like a strong partnership to go through it...then it's you two.
I'll keep praying for you both.
oh Kori,
my heart aches for you and your husband and children. Just love each other and live for today as a family. I wish I could whoosh in and bring some kind of help to you all. Loving you all from Canada,
Kimberly Ann
What an amazing husband you have. (tears)
I'm teary again. You have such an amazing husband and that was a beautiful (though painful) moment that I am glad you were willing to share. I can only hope that I meet a man with that level of faith and maturity someday.
Oh Kori,
My heart is breaking for you even though you know it's so true. We're here so temporary and you know you'll be reuinited with him, whole. But still, I cry.
Jane
Tears are pouring down my face and there is a lump in my throat. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I am here to listen -- any time, day or night, just call! PRAYING!
I don't know what to say. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
You have an amazing husband.
"My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word."
Psalm 119:28
My prayers are with you, always. *hugs*
My sympathy´s to you and your husband! I feel for you! It´s so hard reading this, because one of our best friends living right around the corner from us has cancer as well. He is about in the same stage as Richard is and every time I see our friend and what he looks like, I think of you and your hubby. Their is no cure for him either and they are just enjoying their last months together as well. I hope you feel the prayers that many people are sending "up" for you!
I am so proud of you, Kori, for you are an amazing woman of faith! I know you get tired and weary and lonely, but I know you also have been given a great gift of this time with your sweet Richard and your boys. None of us knows how much time we have, but so many of us take life for granted. You don't. You can't. And that, though it's a bittersweet knowledge, draws you nearer to the heart of God. Many blessings!
I love you Kori-Kins... always and forever. And I'll be here... now and then and after.
Sweet Kori,
I wish I could hug you right now.
You amaze me, as does Richard. The truth spoken that evening is hard to fathom, but simply true. Cling to it.
Praying constantly
Kori,
I can't begin to imagine what you and Richard must be going through and feeling. I wish so bad there was a quick fix to heal Richard and make everything perfect. What he said was true though, this place is only temporary but to be left at this place while he's gone on to a better place will be so hard.
I think of you all alot, it just makes me cry. I think gosh what if that were me, losing Steve. Honestly I know I couldn't be as strong as you are.
I wish so bad we lived closer ... you both are such an inspiration with your strong faith.
I'm so glad we found each other and I have such a great friend in my life, I know we have only met in person a couple of times but really you and Richard have touched us.
It's good knowing when we have to go to Birmingham I have a friend I can call.
Molly has to go back for CF clinic Tuesday (26), she isn't doing as well as she was the last checkup I know. The doctor had said if we went Tuesday and she wasn't doing good he would let her come home and finish out the week of school (their exams start Tuesday), they get out of school for the summer Friday 29th. So much going on, my stepson graduates high school in South Carolina on the 5th or 6th, we are supposed to go to the beach on the 14th. My head almost spins thinking of everything...well sorry for the long comment. I always get carried away.
Much love to you all,
Tracy
May this truth bring you comfort over and over again! I can't imagine, Kori.
Hey Kori ... I was just wondering if, possibly, maybe, Richard might want to write a post on your blog. You've been very honest and open with your emotions in dealing with all that is happening in your family. Would Richard be willing to tell us how he is coping? Your journey is amazing and you've touched so many lives by telling your story and letting us follow along.
Blessings to you all ...
Uggghhh...that was the most precious post you've written. I bawled like a baby. I'm so sorry you are both having to endure this. I'm praying that Richard will be comfortable and that you will be comforted. Blessings to all of you!
Oh Kori ~ I wish I could give you a big hug right now and sit down and cry with you. You are so strong...I'm hoping that Richard and you can spend the summer together with the boys. I pray for you every night before I go to bed.
Big hugz,
Michele
I am sooo bad about coming over here to check on you. But know that I think about you guys all the time. I don't know what to say because it all sounds trite or patronizing. But...I am here if you ever need anything.
Oh Kori! Without your blog showing up with new posts in my reader, I have a bad habit of not checking in on you often enough. You are on my mind and in my prayers often though -- know that at least. And I hope there is some thread of good news that you receive on the 28th.
While reading this, I had to remind myself to breathe, too.
I love you. I'm praying for all of you, as ever.
Oh, Lord, how it breaks my heart to read your suffering...I am praying for you and your hubs and kids.
Oh Lord, place your arms of comfort and peace around Kori and her family. Bring her the peace that only you can give. In your Name...
I almost couldn't get through this without stopping to breath several times.
I'm praying for you and holding you all close in thought and love.
I always come here to tell you what an inspiration you are...
I always come here and tell you how brave you are...
I always come here and tell you that you're in my thoughts and prayers...
and that will never change... always here for you.. !! ♥♥
Kori, our hearts break for you during this trying time.
You know the song, "I Can Only Imagine"?
It was the first song I heard in the car after losing my dad. We played it at his memorial service. Just thinking about the wonderful things he must have been experiencing on the other side of our loss was such a comfort.
Thank God for the faith that you and Richard obviously have. As hard as these next months are going to be, at least you have that blessed assurance that all will be well in the end.
Love you, girl.
Your strength and courage just amazes me... and your faith. I just don't know if I could handle what you're going through...
Thinking and praying about you guys.
Love you, too.
Oh, Kori, I am so sorry you are having to struggle through all of this. But this morning, on my way to work, I was listening to a CD from one of my favorite pastors. It was called, "How to know you know Him." And through all of the pain, I can hear in your stories that Richard knows Jesus (as do you). He knows that he knows that he knows, as that pastor says (LOL). And nothing, absolutely nothing, can stop that. I hope that you guys will have a little more time together here. But I know it is hard for you to watch him in pain, and that you probably feel torn in that respect. And I know it will be so very hard for a while when Richard has to leave you temporarily. But yes, it IS only a temporary separation. I know that will be very hard to keep in mind some days, but the good news is, Richard will be SO happy where he is with the Lord, and you will not have to watch him suffer any further. And you can know with certainty where he is and Who he is with.
I have not met you personally, but you are my sister in Christ. If there is ANYTHING I can do for you, you call or email or get Angie on the phone and have her call me. Just to talk or to pray or even cry. All of us will be here for you. You will NOT be alone and you will not have to handle all this alone. You just keep remembering - He holds us, we don't hold Him. He will NOT leave you through this.
I'm sending you a huge hug and lots of love!
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