This post is going to be one that you may not want to read. But I started this blog to be able to write what I want to... what I need to.
Just read at your own discretion.
I want to cry. I have cried.
I don't want to be told repeatedly how strong I am. I am NOT that person!
I want to scream and I want someone to hear it, not just me in my head.
I want to hit something and I want to hit it hard.
I don't want to see little old people holding hands that have been married since they were kids.
I don't want to look at the Hospital bed that is sitting in my dining room and only have the thought that my Husband is going to die there.
I want this to be someonelse's life and not mine.
I don't want my boys to hurt.
I want Jesus to come back now so we can all leave this behind together.
I want to be able to be apart of other peoples happiness rather than be jealous of their happiness.
I don't want to have the need to almost bite my tongue off to keep from saying what I think when other people complian about trivial things that are really no big deal.
I don't want sympathy.
I do want support.
I don't want to lose him.
I want him to be comfortable and I know he will be when he is with Him and not me.
I don't want to know that I have to be ok with that.
I want to know why.
Yet,I don't ask cause I already know.
I don't want to stress about the future without him.
I want to know that I can do this.
I want to know that we will make it without him.
I don't want to be a widowed single mother at 30.
I want to know that my broken heart one day will heal.
I want my wants.
I don't my don'ts.
I want to be me, one everybody loves and finds sweet and funny cause that is what I once was.
I don't think I can be me without him.
6 months ago
20 comments:
Your honesty is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing with us. I really don't know what to say and even though it sounds trite and silly, please know that you all are in my prayers.
I was doing ok until the very last sentence...
"I don't think I can be me without him..."
Oh, Kori.
I love you.
And I'd totally let you hit me if we lived closer. It'd be like Ouiser in Steel Magnolias..."KNOCK HER LIGHTS OUT, M'LYNN!"
'Cept it'd be, "Knock her lights out, Kori!" We'll sell t-shirts saying, "I hit Lula Litton!"
You know Lula, i was crying. That is until I read your comment. Now my Brazilian family thinks I'm Nutso, thanks for that!
Kori, I want to hug you. I want to give you everything you want and take away all those don'ts. I do want to remind you how strong you, despite the fact that you don't want to hear it. Though my situation is NOTHING like yours, I remember people telling me that, and thinking the exact same thing. I wanted to yell and scream and ball. I wanted someone to feel the same thing I did, so I didnt feel so alone.
Kori, it's going to be difficult. There is no other way around it. It sucks. And it's awful. And I am so incredibly sorry. But I do know that one day, it won't be awful. One day, you will be happy.And while you won't be the same Kori as you were with Richard, you will still be Kori. You will laugh and smile and hug those boys. And make the rest of us laugh. And offer the rest of us your shoulder when we need it. And all that because you are such a good person. And because you will be blessed for all the trials you face. I love you. Im sorry. I think about you constantly and we are always praying for your family. And if hitting Lula isnt enough, I still have a return ticket home..I'll stand behind her. And I'll sell buttons.
My love always.
you need to say those things. I cannot imagine, I will never pity you, just pray and love you.
And your family.
Always.
EM
While I certinly cannot relate to your situation, I have said some of the things you said.
I don't even know what to say, so just know that even though we've never met, I am definitely giving truth to the "weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn" verse in Ecclesiastes (?).
Love you girl...
I want your wants for you also Kori!!
And you know you have my support.
I love you!!
Janey
I just hate that you are going through this. I wish so much that I could be closer to you to help. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now knowing the time for Richard to meet Jesus is close. It isn't fair that you are left behind. You should be growing old with each other. We are all here for you and the boys. Ric said something to me when he started his cancer journey... he wasn't afraid of dying because he knew where he was going, he was worried about us because we couldn't be there with him. He tried to convince me I was stronger than I thought I was. I don't know if I am, but he believed it. Just as Richard knows you are a strong woman. If you need to talk, you know where I am. Love you!
Kori-
I wish I could come and hug you right now..not because I feel sorry for you, but because I know you need it.
Continued support and prayers.
I am praying for you, Richard and the boys...
Kori,
Nothing but love, hugs and prayers for you and the family.
Meg
I just don't feel like there's anything worthy I can say.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
And I think Lula might be on to something. :-)
xoxoxo
Oh Kori, I'm so sorry.
I understand some of what you are feeling, since Caitlin died. Though I do know that it would be different to lose a husband, I think some of our underlying feelings are the same.
I understand not wanting to be told you are strong. You don't feel strong - you feel as though you are getting through this because you have no choice. At least, that is what I felt and still sometimes feel. What choice do I have? I Have two other children who need me.
I understand your not wanting to see old people holding hands. I cannot look at a pregnant woman or a woman with her child and not feel angry at what I lost.
I understand your not knowing how you will get through. There were times late at night, washing bottles, that I thought I would fall apart, that I just could not handle it.
You have your faith in God to help you, which is something I don't (You know my thoughts on all this).
I know that you will pull through this and carry on, because you have been doing it since his diagnosis, and you will do it for your children, and you will do it with the belief that it was all for some greater purpose that you just don't know yet.
And it will be hard, and there will be days that you'll get angry, and days where something as silly as the fact that you spilled a glass of water will threaten to send you over the edge.
But I promise you that it will get easier, and you will learn to live with your pain and be able to be almost normal. And you will continue to be you because you were you before Richard, and you were you during this, and because the memories of Richard will stay with you and sustain you.
Just take it minute by minute if you have to, and know that I am thinking of you way up here in the far north of Alaska.
Oh, Kori, my heart just breaks for you. Breaks into a million tiny pieces. I can't add much to what others have already said, except for one of my favorite verses recently.
"I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day." 2 Tim 1:12.
Remember this - when it's just all too much, which must seem like every excruciating second right now. Remember in Whom you trust. He is able when we are not. He knows what we do not. He promises what we cannot. And He does, what we cannot. He is with you, and He is with Richard. He LOVES you and He knows. Just hang on to Him. He won't let you go!
Psalm 27:1-3
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
I can't find the words for comfort because I don't understand your pain... BUT being a sister in Christ.. I will listen.. hold you.. and love you.. all the days that I can...
You are strength.. you are encouragement... you are a true woman of faith... ♥♥♥
Oh Kori ~ I do think you are very strong...something I am not. I wish I could be there to hold you, but since I'm not, I will support you any way that I can.
Big hugz,
Michele
You are you
Emotional, Weak, and most importantly.... HUMAN.
the strength comes from the love and bound you guys share.And those things are that will always remain. You are still going to be you even when he is gone...because he will always have that part.
I never expect you to be anybody but who you are...and hunny you are a great gal even when you are crying.
~hugs~
I love your honesty and your painfully beautiful soul.
As hard as it is to come out here and read this sometimes, I can not imagine how hard it is to write it.
Sometimes I think back to the day I lost my 2 year old son. It was quick. I had no time to prepare. He was here, and then a tragic accident took him. I don't know if I could have coped, slowly over time. I don't have that kind of spirit. And I can't imagine what you must be going through.
Despite everything Kori, I want you to know something...I read your words and see your unshakable faith in God and you inspire me to keep reaching out and make sure my own bond with our Father is intact. Thank you for that. And thank you for being you.
I can not possibly know the pain that you're already going through and the pain that you will go through, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you. You're on my mind a lot and I just wish I could take your pain and hurt away. Everything you're feeling is ok.
((((HUGE HUGS)))) & lots of continued prayers!!!
Honest, open, brutal and heartfelt. Hugs to you and Richard and contiued prayers for all of you!
Simply said, I understand.
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