Emotions

Sad, mad, happy, angry, jealous, envious, hurt, broken.

These are the emotions I feel on a daily basis. Sometimes they all run together. Sometimes they don't.

Several people want to know how I am doing. I have never been one to lie or to sugar coat things.

I am not well. I get up in the mornings get the boys off to School then I go back to bed sometimes I sleep sometimes I don't.

I eat once a day only because I know I need to eat something. I have lost almost 25 pounds. All of my pants are sagging and loose.

I pray every night for just a glimpse of Richard in my dreams. The closest I have came is being woken up and being able to smell him in my room. Weird, yes I know.

His shirt that he wore when we went to court in July still hangs on the back of my closet door. His pocket change, watch, belt and wallet still lie on the nightstand where he left them. His shoes are still in the same place, his razor and shampoo are still in the bathroom. I can't move them.

How can this really be my life? I ask myself that a lot. How can I be a 29 year old widow mother of two boys. This is not the way it was supposed to be.

I talk to God regularly just like before. But my prayers have changed. I have changed. My faith has not. God is still in control and I know that one day I will know the answers to all of my questions. This is God's will for my life. Am I ok with that? Right now... No not really. But regardless I understand.

I don't leave the house much. I have very little tolerance for people in general. I tried going to Church the week before last. I know I need to be there. But I barely heard the sermon. All I seen were the husbands and wives sitting in the pews before me. The husbands with their arms around their wives shoulders or them holding hands. I can't take it. Why can't that be us?

Going to the grocery store is a huge task. I get sidetracked. All I see is the dads holding their children's hands and walking with their wives. The other day I tried and I had several things in my buggy. I left it all. I left.

I know that soon I will have to return to work. That is extremely overwhelming for me to even think about right now. People and the looks and the "I'm so sorry for your loss." I don't think I'm ready for that. Nobody is more sorry for my loss than I. I never know what to say.

If it weren't for our two beautiful boys I don't know if I would get out of the bed in the mornings. Thank God for our boys. I think they are more of a rock to me than I am to them right now.

The boys, oh my sweet baby boys. They are doing alright. They have their moments. We all do. But all in all they are doing well. Much more so than myself. Kids are resilient. I see it everyday. They are what brings a smile to my face on the days when I can barely hold back the tears.

Lastly I am happy. I am happy to know that my wonderful, amazing, beautiful husband is in the presence of our mighty King. I am happy that he is no longer having to fight for every breath. I am happy to know that he chose me to spend the last 8 plus years of his life with. I am happy to have had the love of a lifetime if only for a limited while. I am happy that even though my heart may be breaking it is also full of joy and excitement to know that one day I will be there too and I will be with him again. And that I will also be with Him the one that carries me through these valleys but also promises the top of the mountain just over the horizon.

Until we meet again my love, may the Lord hold you in the palms of his hands.

One

The one thing in life that I want more than anything I can't have.

To hear him say I love you, to feel the touch of his hand, the warmth of his kisses... that's the one thing I want.

I know where he is and in some ways I suppose that makes it a little easier. I don't wish him back to this place.

However it doesn't make my heart any less broken.

I try to sleep yet when I close my eyes the last 8 years 9 months and 20 days of our lives replay in my head over and over. I see his smile, I hear his laugh, I can even smell him.

Calob cries and screams for his Daddy. Jacob cries when he thinks no one is looking.

The last 13 days of my life have been some of the hardest. If it weren't for the boys and some sort of routine I don't think I would get out of the bed most days. Thank God for my precious boys.

I haven't yet gone back to work. I am not ready for that part of this. I plan on going back October 5th. We'll see.

We tried to go camping this Labor Day weekend. It was a disaster from the start. Loads of tears shed by all then it rained. So we came home and Calob has sworn off ever going camping again. It's not the same. It's hard.

It's all so very hard.