Needless to say that you can tell fromthe title that Tuesday was no better. Surely Wednesday will be the day. After all it is Hump Day! I am ready, so ready for the weekend.
I don't even know where to start. Today was just a bad day all the way around.
I got up late this morning because like I have stated many times before I don't sleep much anymore if at all. So when I am sleeping I don't want to get up. So I was running late all morning trying to figure out what to wear, fix my hair, do my makeup all that good stuff. I clocked in at work at exactly 7:34. Thank goodness for that 5 minute window. Phew that was to close for comfort.
Then I let my mind and emotions get the best of me. I can go days without crying and then all of it sudden it's like I get hit all at once. I got a couple of emails first thing this morning just checking on us. And as I write back I just become overwhelmed with emotion. Yes, I know that Richard is not exactly knocking on death's door but the fact is I and my children as well as Richard himself have to live these days knowing that there is terminal Cancer growing inside of him and ultimately he is dying. There is No cure for Stage 4 Recurrent Mestastsized Colon Cancer only treatment and drugs to keep him comfortable there is also No cure for Cystic Fibrosis people with this disease in the later stage are just kept comfortable as well. Richard has not reached this point yet with his CF.
But the truth is that my husband is dying, he's dying. And he has chosen to suffer through these Chemo treatments for us. To have one more day longer than what the Doctor has predicted just one more day as a family. I am so incredibly head over heels in love with this man I literally can not see straight. I catch myself so many times as I lay awake in the middle of the night looking at him, trying to memorize every hair upon his head, every facial feature. I don't want to forget. God please don't let me forget. I want to remeber his voice when he tells me he loves me, when he calls my name, the way he talks to the boys and comforts them when they are upset, his laugh, smile and most of all his spirit. God please don't let me forget.
Calob also had a bad day at School today he just started crying in the middle of class. We live in a very small town and sometimes questions that are meant to make you feel better tend to be very much overwhelming even with a 9 year old. When I first became a Mother I decided right then that I would always be open and honest with my children. I always have if I tell them I'm going to do something I want them to know it's going to get done. When Richard was diagnosed the first time we didn't tell the boys right away. Everything happened so fast we found out on a Thursday that he had Cancer on Friday they did surgery and told us it was in the lymphnodes and appeared to be Stage 3. So a wonderful friend of ours Renae (I love you) took the boys to her house for almost 2 weeks until we could tell them. We kept all of this from them until we felt it was the right time. Richard wanted to be home from the hospital so he could be here to tell them. So when they came home and we had the talk they were so angry and hurt they felt like we and everyone else had lied to them. And in a way I suppose we had. But right there and then we promised never again no matter how bad the truth may hurt never again. And now as I sit here worrying about my sweet baby boy crying at school and knowing that his heart is breaking from not knowing what the future holds... I am questioning our promise. Should I be? Is it better for them to not know? I still don't think so. Honesty is the best policy.
I worry so much about the boys. I was nine when my Mother died in a tragic car accident. And to be honest I don't remember much. I know that she had hair that when the sun shined on it that it was the color of a brand new penny. And I remember her hands because I see them when I look at my own. Same long, crooked, freckled fingers. I want my boys to remeber so much more. I don't ever want them to forget anything because one day I may need them to help me remember. When I'm old and my hair is gray I will need them to not let me forget.
I don't mean to sound whiny nor do I mean to throw a pity party. But I hope now some of you will see what my struggles and weaknesses are.
I really do think that we should all live like we are dying because the truth is we all are just some sooner than others. Best said by my sweet Jacob so very wise at the ripe age of 11.
6 months ago
5 comments:
Your son is a wise little man.
You will always remember. God gives us big hearts.
In the mean time, you must savor every moment and know that there are people praying for you.
You have incredible strength and it sounds like your boys do as well. I think we all break down at times, it's what makes us human. I don't think you will ever forget, like Krystyn said, God gives us big hearts. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family...
Oh Kori, I really feel for you. This is such a hard thing to have to go through...I used to watch my mother take care of my father throughout and wonder "HOW does she do it? HOW does she keep going?" It's that strength and love that keeps us going. You are a very strong woman, and your family is lucky to have you. But that doesn't mean you can't have your moments of tears and self pity...that is what makes us human! Let yourself go through any emotion you need to help you deal.
Also, I agree with being honest with the children. I don't know how hard it must be to have such young children to explain this to, but I am sure they appreciate knowing and realizing they have time to spend with Richard. They won't take anything, any time, for granted.
Oh, Kori... It isn't any easier for an almost 13 year old either... You have the time to make the memories. Your boys will remember Richard. Something my sister-in-law said to us was when her husband was diagnosed and later passed away, "You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to have a pity party. Take a weekend or a day, whatever you need, do the grieving and then move on. No prolonged pity parties."
We have them every couple of weeks at our house. Then, we have a "Life is Too Short" dinner. There is a local dessert bar that serves only the best, biggest, and yummiest desserts. Cakes, pies, pasteries, you name it, they have it. Guess what we have for dinner? And we don't feel one bit guilty. To top it off, it will be something that K will remember forever.
God, you don't need to apologize for being whiny (which you totally aren't) or for throwing a pity-party. Who better to be sad to than people you do not know. My heart goes out to all of you.
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