Well today was the last day of infusion for Richard. Now he starts the last 7 days of Chemo. The last 5 weeks seem to have just flown by. I am glad for this but in a way I'm not. I want it to slowly pass so I can cherish and remember everything.
After Richard finished his infusion treatment he came and met me and we went to lunch. I love having little dates with him even if it is just lunch. We talked about some things that we haven't really discussed before. For example we both know that we need to go make some pre funeral arrangements. Not because Richard is going to die tomorrow (Lord willing) but because since he has CF he has no life insurance and this is something that we really need to go ahead and get out of the way so when the time comes we won't be caught off guard. No this is not something I want to do. But it does have to be done none the less.
Also we talked about the actual dying part. Richard feels like once the Cancer takes over and he is no longer able to be active that then is when his CF is going to really kick in and ultimately kill him. I mean all of this over some chips and salsa at the Mexican place.
Ultimately I have discovered that I hate Cancer. I know that we are not supposed to have hate in our hearts but there are some things you can't help but. Richard and I were talking about how we have adjusted as a family to CF. The 14 day hospital admission, the lunches, dinners and homework in the hospital to try and have some sort of normalcy when are lives become disrupted by lung infections. The equipment in the house like all the medications, a vest, nebulizer machines, and spit cups. We have all adjusted to CF. But Cancer. How do you adjust to knowing that your husband, your children's Daddy is dying? I, we can't adjust to this but we have learned to accept it. Whatever happens we believe that it is God's will and his plan for Richard and our lives. I have learned to talk about death. I am of course, frightened of what the future holds but God supplies my needs with a peace that only he can give. Our Faith is the tie that binds.
6 months ago
4 comments:
Your faith will keep you strong. I can't imagine what you all are going through and even the thought of "pre-planning."
Know that my prayers are with you all.
Wow. You are amazing. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I will definitely be back.
I think it's good you are talking about this all and making arrangements. It won't make it any easier, but at least things will be organized and there'll be fewer tasks to worry about, and you can focus on what's really important then, which is you and the kids.
:-( Bad days and good days.... that is our cycle of life with cancer. The things that keep me sane (well sort of) are the little things of normalcy. The hard part for me is that no matter how much planning we do, not matter how "Ready" we are, we are never really going to be ready when the times comes.
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