I have been sitting here at work thinking abut what took place yesterday afternoon and this morning.
Maybe it was a compilation of the stress and the sleepless nights I have been having.
I truly feel utterly like a NOT so good Mother.
Richard hasn't been feeling very well the last week or so. The pain is worse and more spread out. Beginning in the lower lobe of his right lung and going deep into the groin area. The patch is barely doing it's job and he is having to take more pain medicine to get him through the day.
What does this mean? Has it spread farther? Just how bad will the scan be on the 16th? Why am I at work?
Ok so that last question I most definitely know the answer too. No worries there. It's just sometimes I feel I need to be, I want to be at home with him.
So anyway memories... it's all about making memories for the boys, for myself. So I borrowed a wheelchair and we came up with a plan.
Hubby and I thought we would surprise our two well deserving, stressed out boys that have been doing SAT and ARMT testing all week.
Surprise them with tickets to go see "Walking with the Dinosaurs" tonight and the Blue Angels Air Show tomorrow.
We thought they would be ecstatic.
Yeah not so much. They had other plans to go spend the night with their friends. And now we were infringing upon them. Inconveniencing them.
Well this morning as Jacob was complaining about how late we might get home tomorrow from the Air Show and then not wanting to go with us and rather go with his friends on Sunday.
I lost it. I stooped lower than low. I know that it was bad.
I actually told my child and the youngest one that was listening that they were being selfish. That their Daddy is not going to be here much longer and they should much rather spend time with him cause one day here sooner than we would like he's gonna be gone, but their friends... oh yes their friends would still be here to go and do and spend the night with.
I feel terrible and it's all I can think about.
As I know that this is hard on all of us and sometimes we just need to be with friends to just be away from it all. In the comfort of others.
Tonight I will apologize to my wonderful boys and hug them and love them because this life we're living... is a hard one.
I will also make sure that we are home early enough tomorrow so that they can go and be with their friends for a fun filled night of video games and junk food.
Thanks to all of our awesome friends and family that are there to help us along the way and to provide the breaks in our reality.
6 months ago
26 comments:
You know you are much too hard on yourself. By nature, most teenagers are selfish and want to spend more time with their friends then with their families. I think you are doing the very best you can and trying to make lasting memories for your boys. Plus, all the stress has gotten to you. Wish I was there to give you a hug and try to take some of your burden away. Instead I will just keep you in my prayers knowing that somehow God takes care of everything in his own way. Love you!!
Every mother can tell you they have not done that. But I know they have. When we are under stress we do things we do not mean to do. I wish you would have called this morning and cryed on my shoulder. What is so good about your boys is that they will forgive you and love you. I know Jacob needs a get away and that is what I am hoping to give him. They are very special and so are you. I know a part of you is dieing inside. I can not even go there. I just want you and Richard and the boys to know we are here for you and do anything we can. We love you girl and tonight and tomorrow will be o.k. If you need someone I am here. I am praying for all of you.
Awe, Kori! I´m so sorry you lost it for a second there. But it is totally understandable and you probably have already "made it right"! I bet the boys thought about what you said as well and will enjoy spending the time with their father, just as much as you wanted them to.
You are doing an awesome job with them! Don´t be too hard on yourself!!
Don't be too hard on yourself... I can't even begin to imagine the level of stress you live with on a daily basis. And we all have those moments where we say things... and then later wish we hadn't.
{{hugs}}... wish I could give you the real kind!
They will understand and they will forgive you. You are a good momma. They are old enough to know the stress right now.
I wish I were close enough to be of help, but I am sure you have plenty of good friends to hug you and reassure you.
Now cut yourself some slack, apologize, and move on.
Lida Q
I agree with everyone else, just move on, they will, and so should you, stress is way high right now, and I am sorry for that, I hope your husband can get some relief soon.. hugs.
Oh Kori, don't beat yourself up too much. You're planning to "fix" it and that makes you a wonderful mother!!!
Forgive yourself- your boys already have.
I am so sorry Richard is in so much discomfort. Give him hugs from all of us "out here".
xo!
Gina
Pooh bear... you're in uncharted territory here... you need to give yourself as much understanding as you know you need to give them.
I wub you.
everyone else already said everything I was going to say. Teenagers have a hard time thinking beyond this afternoon and it is probably something that they accept with their heads, but don't truly understand. You are a great mom and those boys love you and Richard so much. You are carrying a huge weight that no one should have to carry and you do it with grace and humility all the time. You know He's there to catch you when you slip. Luv ya...hope your weekend gets better.
You are absolutely right about them spending time with their dad. They will thank you. The teen years are very selfish ones. Even though they don't want to be, it is just the way it goes sometimes. Hugs to you and I hope Richard has a better day tomorrow.
I've been in their shoes. I was 16 when my dad died. While I didn't see the impotance then I see the importance now. They will thank you for the eye opener one day. Sometimes we all need a reality check even if it hurts. Denial is strong.
You are NOT a bad mother! I can't even imagine being in your shoes. There are no rules for what you all are going through...And let's just face it, kids/teenagers can be pretty self centered. It's just how they are. And sometimes, bringing them back to reality is a good thing. They will most likely become very strong, independent and compassionate young men, because YOU are their mother, and YOU are doing an amazing job. You blow me away my friend. Every. Day.
Kori,
Be kind to yourself, your heart and intentions were/are good. The boys won't be scarred for life because you feel you lost it. You are teaching them a valuable life moment, telling them you feel you blew it and asking for forgiveness. I'd said that is a testiment building moment. Not alot of parents can and will admit when they feel like they'v made mistakes! The Lord be with you all.
Blessings,
Candace
When anyone asks me one thing about motherhood that I would tell any new mom.. or a mom that needs advice is....
Never be afraid to apologize..
I had a mother that NEVER did... the words "I'm sorry" NEVER ever came out of her mouth.. but neither did the words "I Love you"...
So my dear.. I hardly believe you get the worst mother of the year award...
You apologized... You're human and you too are stressed... they love you.. hands down.. that I have no doubt about!
Kori....I can honestly say that I very well may have done the same thing. We are human, and our emotions often control us. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your boys love you and Richard very much. It's just one of those bad times we learn from. Sending you lots of love.
You are the best mother in the world. You are.
Kori, It happens, we all lose it one way or another. They're boys, they forget and forgive easily. Now, you do the same for yourself!
Those of us whose stress level doesn't even come close to touching yours, have done similar things. YOu have so much on your shoulders and you do a wonderful job. Don't be so hard on yourself!
Oh Kori, do NOT beat yourself up. It is a very harsh reality that you and Richard and the boys are living in right now. They will understand. Now, you be more understanding of YOU! Love and hugs to you guys.
Are things okay? I've been thinking of you all week. Hugs
hugs to all y'all!
Sweetie...no one writes books on how to deal with this sort of thing and eventually there will come a day when your boys will understand the moments when you thought you were at your worst.
Don't beat yourself up too badly and just remember how many people are out here and close to you that are surrounding you with love and prayers and aren't judging you.
Holding you all up in love and prayer.
Auds at Barking Mad
I agree with everyone, you are too hard on yourself! You are a wonderful mother!
It happens to the best of us! And you my dear are truly one of the best!
It's a combo of everything. Give yourself a break and them some extra hugs and kisses!
Don't beat yourself up about it, it's completely understandable with the level of stress you have.
Boys will be boys, and I know they didn't mean to be ungrateful...so after the hugs and kisses I'm sure it was all better.
I'm echoing what everyone else here has said. Don't be too hard on yourself. I lose it with my girls more often than not and can't touch the level of stress that you have in your life. It happens to all of us. You just do the best you can and know that tomorrow is another day. Can't wait to give you a big hug in person soon! xoxo
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