Lunch Break.

I'm here at work taking my lunch break, trying to relax after eating some fairly decent food out of the cafeteria.

However I can't relax. I can't seem to flick the shut off switch in my brain.

All I can seem to focus on is tomorrow.

Richard's scan is tomorrow morning at 8 we have to be there at 7 for the usual work up of labs. Then we see the Oncologist at 9 which after the past year has become like an old friend.

How is that possible? I admire Dr. P for his honesty, for taking on the role as the bearer of bad news for so many. The job he has I am certain is a very difficult one.

Pray for him, I do.

IF we get done there by 11 we are suppose to go to CF clinic just for a check-up. Depending on time and our emotions we may not make it there.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am dreading it for many, many reasons.

Richard has developed more pain in different areas. That can only mean that the cancer has spread some more. With the touch of my hand on his abdomen I can feel these hard pearl like shapes. It's surreal to think that I can feel what is killing him.

He hurts all the time for the most part. We do have glimpses of pain free moments. But those are rare, far, few and in between. His abdomen is bloated making it hard for him to button his pants. Most days he is in pajama pants around the house. When he does go somewhere alot of the times his pants are left unbuttoned yet covered by his shirt.

Standing to long hurts, sitting to long hurts, laying to long hurts. And at night when he tries to roll from the right side to the left there is a moan that escapes him. He says it feels like his insides are pulling apart, so back to the right side he goes.

The cancer that Richard has, has a way of secreting a sticky glue like substance. It attaches itself to whatever is around it whether it be other tumors, intestines, liver, stomach it doesn't matter. It can also cause organs to fuse to one another. This is where the discomfort and pain comes in.

He now has chronic pain, meaning it never goes away. As far as the pain patches he is on they just make it a little more tolerable. They are no longer working like they once were and percocet seems to have become our new friend for those times when the patches seem to be completely noneffective.

I hate to see him hurt like this. Sometimes I feel completely and utterly helpless.

How did we get here to this place so quickly?

Yesterday my dear sweet friend Megan did a post about not being able to become pregnant after trying for the past several years and how she's upset by it all. She asked if anyone had suggestions on how they should be praying specifically for God to bless them with a child.

I couldn't tell her how to pray, yet I did tell her how I pray.

I no longer weep from the sadness my heart feels as I pray. I no longer beg and ask God for a miracle to heal Richard as I pray. I no longer ask that He give me peace to be able to handle the days ahead.

Why?

I have peace with it all. For so long I was looking for the peace that only He can give. I realized I had it all along I just had to believe it.

When I pray at night now... I am just thankful.

I still weep, yes but it's for completely different reasons.

It's because I am... Thankful that God has blessed us with the past 8 and a half years. Thankful that he has allowed me to love Richard completely, openly and honestly with all my heart. Thankful that He chose to give me a love like this. Thankful for the two amazing boys that I have been given. Thankful for the amazing father Richard is to our boys. I am thankful for all the amazing and wonderful people that He has brought into my life.

Most of all I am thankful for Him, my God, my Jesus, my Father, my Friend.

I just ask you to please remember us tomorrow as we know the news won't be good. Our peace in God will comfort us for I know this.

Also if you twitter I usually try to post updates there throughout the day while we are at clinic. My user name is wife2cfer.