Official

Richard had a Doctors appointment today with the Oncologist. No news to tell except that he has chronic blood loss somewhere in the GI tract, which is not that abnormal considering the type of cancer he has.

He's very anemic due to this. So the Doctor has put him on 325 milligrams of Iron per day.

Towards the end of our appointment Dr. P handed me Richard's papers that we have to use to check out. On the paper there was no appointment follow up time usually it will say 4 weeks or 6. But at the top today it just said "Will Call."

Dr. P doesn't need to see us anymore since Richard is now on Hospice and he is his attending. But if something new comes up and we want to see him we can call and be worked in.

We knew this was coming. I was fine until we were leaving and I just fell apart. I just feel hopeless and overwhelmed most of all I feel scared, scared of it being so official.

Unbreakable Bond

Most days around here lately look like this...

No matter where Richard is Gracie is right there beside him.

The unbreakable bond between a man and his dog.

Wants & Don'ts

This post is going to be one that you may not want to read. But I started this blog to be able to write what I want to... what I need to.

Just read at your own discretion.

I want to cry. I have cried.

I don't want to be told repeatedly how strong I am. I am NOT that person!

I want to scream and I want someone to hear it, not just me in my head.

I want to hit something and I want to hit it hard.

I don't want to see little old people holding hands that have been married since they were kids.

I don't want to look at the Hospital bed that is sitting in my dining room and only have the thought that my Husband is going to die there.

I want this to be someonelse's life and not mine.

I don't want my boys to hurt.

I want Jesus to come back now so we can all leave this behind together.

I want to be able to be apart of other peoples happiness rather than be jealous of their happiness.

I don't want to have the need to almost bite my tongue off to keep from saying what I think when other people complian about trivial things that are really no big deal.

I don't want sympathy.

I do want support.

I don't want to lose him.

I want him to be comfortable and I know he will be when he is with Him and not me.

I don't want to know that I have to be ok with that.

I want to know why.

Yet,I don't ask cause I already know.

I don't want to stress about the future without him.

I want to know that I can do this.

I want to know that we will make it without him.

I don't want to be a widowed single mother at 30.

I want to know that my broken heart one day will heal.

I want my wants.

I don't my don'ts.

I want to be me, one everybody loves and finds sweet and funny cause that is what I once was.

I don't think I can be me without him.

NOT ready!

This past weekend was probably one of the worst weekends of my wonderful Husband's life with cancer.

He was restless, uncomfortable and hurting. Talked about going to the Hospital but continually talked himself out of it since there really isn't anything else they can do.

He called the Doctor this morning to see about upping his pain medications. After a 15 minute phone call the Doctor agreed that pain meds could be increased but he also wants to turn Richard over to Hospice as soon as possible since his level of discomfort is becoming more unbearable. The Doctor feels that Hospice can offer him better pain management on a daily basis, as well as go ahead and get him a Hospital bed ordered to hopefully offer more comfort by positioning.

I called Odyssey Hospice. We are interviewing them tomorrow night at 6. We will all be there Richard, myself, the boys, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law.

I understand it.

I knew it was coming no matter how much we kept putting it off.

We all know the end of this journey is closely approaching.

But regardless, I. Am.

NOT.

READY!

You asked, Hubby answered!

So a few post back I asked you guys to interview my Hubby and boy you guys delivered with some pretty interesting questions. So let's get started...



Lisa asked:

Do you think only in the present now, not the future?

With the way I'm feeling and the pain increasing it's pretty much on a day to day basis. Hard to plan on the future when you know you have less than a year to live.


Has a terminal illness changed the way you view today?

Yes, I don't take today for granted, I am constantly thanking God for every day he gives me. Life is so much more precious and means more to me now.


Phenny's Mom asked:

What advice would you give to a parent raising a child with Cystic Fibrosis?

Allow them to be as close to normal as can be. Don't put them in a glass bubble thinking that you are protecting them from everything cause in the long run you'll actually be hurting them. Only somewone with CF knows what their limitations are.


Would you redo anything in your life?

Probably if I could go back and redo anything in my life it would definitely be School. I should have really taken it more seriously than I did.


What is the biggest lesson you have learned through out all of these obstacles you've been given?

Just to be more appreciative of people and time.


What advice would you give to someone that has Cystic Fibrosis?

Make sure that you eat well, stay as physically active as your able and to make sure you take all of your medications.


Also any tips, tricks, or things you have learned that have helped you on days when you have struggled with your CF?

I've never thought of me having CF on a day to day. It's not my main focus in life and I have never let it be in the forefront of my mind. It's only when I begin to become sick that CF would be on my mind and I counted on God, family and friends to help me get through those times when I am sick.


Aubrey asked:

What do you love most about Kori?

Her bubbly personality, the way she laughs, her honesty and the way that she cares for people. And she's a pretty awesome cook too.


Does she have any bad habits that you can't stand?

When she used to smoke. Couldn't stand it.


Tracy asked:

When something happens to you would you want Kori to go on with her life and remarry IF someone came along?

I just want her to be happy and whatever it takes for her to be happy, I want the best for her. She's still young and if the good Lord sends someone her way then so be it.


Heather asked:

How are you dealing with knowing you are leaving your children behind?

To be honest I hate it. They're just starting to get to that age where they really need their Dad around to teach them all the guy things. I hate that I'm going to miss it all.


I know you had the necklaces made for the boys... have you done anything else for them, to help them deal with their loss?

No not yet, but I do have things that I am going to do before I go. Videos for milestone moments in their lives and a blog friend of Kori's sent these amazing blankets with our pictures on them and she left some blank squares where I can write stories and Bible verses so the boys will always have them.


What is the one memory that you treasure most?

Meeting my Dad after 45 years of not knowing him.

Michelle asked:

What is your favorite memory of Kori?

When I first seen her and we were first introduced, I knew we would be together.

Jacob?

When I went to Florida to move them to Alabama and he was bringing all the toys that he could carry out of the house and putting it on the U-haul truck. He was so excited.

Calob?

He used to carry around his Bankie (blanket) everywhere we went. Even when we would have to wash it he would sit in the laundry room and wait. He was a modern day Linus.


What are your goals over the next several months?

There are some things I would like to get done around the house but I don't see me getting it done as the pain continues to increase.


What is your proudest accomplishment?

Being called Daddy.


What makes you happy on a daily basis?

My family.


How do you spend your days?

For the most part my days consist of a lot of sleeping now.


Janey asked:

What is your greatest wish for Kori and the boys for the future?

For the boys to be able to finish School, go on and finish College, to always be involved in Church, to continue to live as Christians, to just be happy. For Kori to be as happy as possible and for her to know that she made me the happiest man by allowing me to call her my wife.


How do you want them to remember you?

For them to know that I loved them unconditionally.


Marrdy asked:

What one thing that you have taught your sons would you like them to carry on throughout their lives?

For them to continue to serve God, that they will grow up to be honest and caring men.


Linda asked:

How has your faith helped you through this?

Tremendously. I can't imagine going through something like without having any faith at all.


Was there ever a time, or is there still, when you are angry with your fate?

Yes, but I think anyone would feel that way. I am at peace with it now, I'm no longer angry. It is what it is.


Is there anything that you wish you still had time to do?

Yes, I would have loved to be able to see more of the World.


Tracy P. asked:

Richard, I'm curious what your prayer life is like. I want to know whether you sort of sit in His presence and let Him do His thing, or whether you talk to Him about specifics?

Both, there are times when I talk to Him as if he were sitting right beside me, then there are times when I just sit in awe of Him and listen.

Then...

Some days I think this is NOT my life, this is NOT really happening to our family, Richard is NOT dying.


Then... Reality hits.


This really is my life. My Husband, the Daddy to our two beautiful boys, he's leaving us, not by choice but because God needs him more.


Then... I become overwhelmed.


With sadness, with the thought that Oh my gosh I will quite possibly be a widow by the time I turn 30, a single Mom with 2 boys, not by choice but because God needed him more.


Then... I worry.


Our boys, Richard won't be here for all the big milestones in their lives. High school, drivers licenses, girls, dating, graduation, college, marriage, beautiful babies. So many times they will need their Daddy and he won't be there. Will I be good enough in those times? How will this effect them as they get older? Will they always remember how wonderful Richard is? I don't want them to ever forget.


Then... I get mad.


Anger takes over as I think about all these things. It's just not fair.


Then... I understand.

Jeremiah 1:5 says

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart"

This is the life He chose for us. He knew.

Then... I realize.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD

Jeremiah 29:11-14a

This is His plan, it has never once been mine.

Then... I am thankful.

For the past 8 years 9 months and 11 days I have had to spend with the man of my dreams. I will continue to Praise God for every day he allows me to add. For everyday He allows me to love Richard, for everyday He allows our boys to have their Daddy, for everyday that we are allowed to make memories to hopefully last us a lifetime, for every kiss, every hug, every touch of his hand, every I love you, for everything I am thankful.

Then... I am grateful.

For this life, for the bad, for the good, for this love, for this time.

For all the trials and tears of time,

For every hill I've had to climb,

My heart sings but a grateful song.

These are the things that make me strong

~Author Unknown~

Hectic

Besides working and tending to the boys this is where I spend my early mornings, my lunch breaks, time in the evenings before heading home and my weekends.

No matter how crappy the hubby is feeling he always melts my heart with a smile no matter how big or small. (plaid pants make me think of someone)

Things have been a little hectic.

Last Thursday the Hospital where I work suffered a lot of cutbacks and I lost 8 hours of time per pay period. I'm not complaining cause I know it could have been a lot worse and hey at least now every other weekend is a 3 day one. However that is about 200 dollars less a month. God will work it out I know.

Richard went in the Hospital on Friday for a 14 day CF tune-up it's been a long time coming. In the past 6 weeks Hubby has lost a total of 21 pounds because he can't eat much anymore.

Our air conditioner at home went out on Sunday so it's been as high as 85 in my house.

I scheduled appointments with Hospice groups then called and cancelled, I know it has to be done. It will get done before July 9th.

Calob got 3 stitches a week ago, he was pulling weeds and one of the wood timbers just laid his knuckle open. I have pictures but I'll spare you.

Jacob got home from Student Life Camp with the Youth last Wednesday he had a great time. On Sunday he stood before our Church Family and told them that we all need to live more Christ like so that when others look at us they see Him within us. I have never been prouder. And of course I cried.

One last thing Cystic Fibrosis and Cancer suck! That's all I have to say about that.

Gotta go 15 minutes and lunch with the hubby.