My Life as a CFers Wife

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Lunch Break.

I'm here at work taking my lunch break, trying to relax after eating some fairly decent food out of the cafeteria.

However I can't relax. I can't seem to flick the shut off switch in my brain.

All I can seem to focus on is tomorrow.

Richard's scan is tomorrow morning at 8 we have to be there at 7 for the usual work up of labs. Then we see the Oncologist at 9 which after the past year has become like an old friend.

How is that possible? I admire Dr. P for his honesty, for taking on the role as the bearer of bad news for so many. The job he has I am certain is a very difficult one.

Pray for him, I do.

IF we get done there by 11 we are suppose to go to CF clinic just for a check-up. Depending on time and our emotions we may not make it there.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am dreading it for many, many reasons.

Richard has developed more pain in different areas. That can only mean that the cancer has spread some more. With the touch of my hand on his abdomen I can feel these hard pearl like shapes. It's surreal to think that I can feel what is killing him.

He hurts all the time for the most part. We do have glimpses of pain free moments. But those are rare, far, few and in between. His abdomen is bloated making it hard for him to button his pants. Most days he is in pajama pants around the house. When he does go somewhere alot of the times his pants are left unbuttoned yet covered by his shirt.

Standing to long hurts, sitting to long hurts, laying to long hurts. And at night when he tries to roll from the right side to the left there is a moan that escapes him. He says it feels like his insides are pulling apart, so back to the right side he goes.

The cancer that Richard has, has a way of secreting a sticky glue like substance. It attaches itself to whatever is around it whether it be other tumors, intestines, liver, stomach it doesn't matter. It can also cause organs to fuse to one another. This is where the discomfort and pain comes in.

He now has chronic pain, meaning it never goes away. As far as the pain patches he is on they just make it a little more tolerable. They are no longer working like they once were and percocet seems to have become our new friend for those times when the patches seem to be completely noneffective.

I hate to see him hurt like this. Sometimes I feel completely and utterly helpless.

How did we get here to this place so quickly?

Yesterday my dear sweet friend Megan did a post about not being able to become pregnant after trying for the past several years and how she's upset by it all. She asked if anyone had suggestions on how they should be praying specifically for God to bless them with a child.

I couldn't tell her how to pray, yet I did tell her how I pray.

I no longer weep from the sadness my heart feels as I pray. I no longer beg and ask God for a miracle to heal Richard as I pray. I no longer ask that He give me peace to be able to handle the days ahead.

Why?

I have peace with it all. For so long I was looking for the peace that only He can give. I realized I had it all along I just had to believe it.

When I pray at night now... I am just thankful.

I still weep, yes but it's for completely different reasons.

It's because I am... Thankful that God has blessed us with the past 8 and a half years. Thankful that he has allowed me to love Richard completely, openly and honestly with all my heart. Thankful that He chose to give me a love like this. Thankful for the two amazing boys that I have been given. Thankful for the amazing father Richard is to our boys. I am thankful for all the amazing and wonderful people that He has brought into my life.

Most of all I am thankful for Him, my God, my Jesus, my Father, my Friend.

I just ask you to please remember us tomorrow as we know the news won't be good. Our peace in God will comfort us for I know this.

Also if you twitter I usually try to post updates there throughout the day while we are at clinic. My user name is wife2cfer.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A year, a milestone

One year has passed since we got the news that the cancer was back, in full force.

I have prayed so much for this time. For God to allow us this time.

A year has come. Where did it go? How has a year passed already?

For the last several hours I have been sitting here reading my older post from this time last year.

The chemo treatments, the aggrivations, the brokenness.

Some things have changed. There is no more Chemo.

We are not nearly as aggrivated by it all as we once were.

We no longer broken.

God has given us peace.

I thank God for this past year we have made some remarkable memories.

I pray that we have another and another, and another and...

How ironic that in two days we will be going once again for another scan and another visit with the Oncologist that has become like an old friend?

The only difference is we know that the news will not be good this time.

Richard hurts all day everyday. Sometimes it's more intense than other times.

The pain patch barely puts a dent into the pain he feels.

His appetite continues to decrease, the cancer continues to spread.

Yet through it all he amazes me.

I amaze me.

We have grown closer to each other, closer to our boys, closer to God.

I don't know if God will give us another year, but we will thank Him and praise Him for every second of every minute of everyday.

For He is God and this is His plan. We still do not understand but we trust Him.

Jesus said: "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

John 13:7

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter!

The Easter Story

Jesus came to compensate

For all the wrongs we do.

He came to earth to die for us,

So we’d be born anew.

"This bitter cup, let it pass from me,"

He cried, in a plaintive voice;

"Yet not My will, but Thine be done;"

He said, in His faithful choice.

The Judas kiss would seal his fate;

He faced a hostile crowd;

The governor, Pilate, saw through it all;

Jesus’ guilt he disavowed.

"I wash my hands of all of this,"

Said Pilate, "Let Him be."

But the crowd yelled

"Crucify him now,And set Barabbas free!"

Pilate yielded to their wish;

And Jesus was led away.

The soldiers beat him, and mocked Him, too,

Yet He continued to obey.

A crown of thorns lay on His head,

As His sentence was carried out;

His hands and feet were pierced with nails,

But He did not scream or shout.

"Father, forgive them for this crime;

They know not what they do.

"He said this despite His torment, because,

He was thinking of me and you.

"It is finished," he sighed in His anguish and pain,

As His body gave up to death.

The curtain tore, and darkness fell,

After He took His last breath.

The best of the story is the very last part;

It’s why on Easter we’re filled with pleasure:

Death could not our Savior hold;

His power is beyond all measure.

He rose from the grave, and was seen all around;

Ever since, He’s inspired devotion,

And we’ll be with Him for eternity,

When we get our heavenly promotion.

That’s why Easter is a major event:

He suffered and died in our place.

He rose and forgave us and loves us still,

Our Savior of matchless grace.

By Joanna Fuchs

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Day 8 Universal Studios

Terminator 3D was totally rockin'. Just look at Calob. Yes that sign does say it's for sale. If you have 6 grand you too can own your very own Terminator Statue.

My guys got more than a little flirty with some lovely ladies.

Calob learned how strong he was and won 2 prizes.

There was an awful lot of guys and cars picture taking going on.

Seen Scooby, Shaggy and some other cool peeps do their thing.

My Fellas were hanging out with the wrong crowd and got arrested.

For speeding in a 30 MPH zone.

Woody and Winnie Woodpecker came to the Rescue.

We then stopped and ate a bite.

Jacob insisted on taking pictures of the hubs and I. Too bad that sun was in my eyes.

The boys were getting pretty run down.

But they still had enough go in them to ride...

While they were enjoying scarab beetles I was busy practicing my Pimp Hat modeling skills.

Once again an AWESOME day!

FIRE!

Yesterday afternoon one of my dearest friends K picked Calob up from School so that he could spend the night with his best buddy C.

They were going to play the Wii, be boys, have a good time and then today they were going to a Birthday Party. I spoke to K yesterday evening and she told me that Calob would be home late Saturday afternoon.

Well imagine my surprise when Calob was knocking on my bedroom window at 7 this morning.

Soot all over his face, singed hair was upon his head, blisters on his ear, burn mark on his arm as well as flash burn to his hand and blisters on the bottom of his feet.

There was a fire that started in C's room. He got up and went to get his parents. Calob was still asleep in that same room. When K got there to wake him up she couldn't get in the room due to the fire and the inability to see where he was without her glasses.

So she kept hollering. Calob! Calob! Calob! You have to get up and come to me.

He woke up and the whole room was on fire even the carpet was melting.

My son had to run through the fire in order to get out.

It could have been so much worse. I am thankful for my friends. I am proud of my son for being the brave little guy he is.

Here he sits next to me in a cover after his shower, scared and afraid. He still smells like the fire. He's worried about his best buddy cause he lost his pet sugar glider in the fire. He's worried about C's little sister's and them not having anything. So much for one little guy to have to bare.

They lost everything in the fire. All they have are the pajamas they were wearing. They do have insurance but it will be sometime before they get everything back to the way it once was.

We're just thankful that everyone is ok. Please lift this wonderful family up in your prayers.

They are very special to us. We love them dearly.